Urban Outfitters hipsterfies Disney

Unlike IKEA, which is working to educate children the world over to give them a more enriched life, Urban Outfitters is looking to destroy the minds of children by turning them into hipsters.

Cinderella has appropriated Native American culture for her own freedom of expression like that evil Gretchen from Project Runway Season 8.

Pocahontas is wearing Native American garb to be ironic - BUT IT ISN'T IRONIC!! Learn the meaning of irony hipster.

Snow White looks like she has become indifferent to all of the animals. Her haircut shows solidarity with the dwarves though. They are definitely little hipsters with the beards and the tuque caps and all. Ok, Snow White becoming a hipster was inevitable because of her contact with the little woodsman hipsters. Ironically we think that the seven dwarves live in Portland now, renting out an ironic little apartment in Humboldt.

Ariel has a top that looks like fish's tail. That is clever. Very ironic. No one would have ever thought of that. You are so ingenious. We pale in comparison with your witticisms. We bow and worship at your feet. You sir, or lady, whomever has created this masterpiece are the epitome of satire.

We won't comment on Tiana. It is not because we don't have anything witty to say. It is not because of any thing deep or profound, only that we have not seen the movie and would rather withhold judgment until we have.

Urban Outfitters continues their domination in Boulder, CO

Urban Outfitters cannot be trusted. If you want up to date and modern apparel seek IKEA, otherwise you have been hipsterified. The hipserificiation though will roll on unchecked if let be. The hipesterification continues as Free People, a division of the evil empire opens up in Boulder, CO. Free People, the more expensive brand of Urban Outfitters is coming to Boulder, CO. The nearest IKEA is 41 miles away. We know that you can't find a strapless and bohemian dress at IKEA unless you have been privy to a sleepover, but every IKEA has lingonberry jam, which substitutes for everything else. Residents of Boulder, beware of Free People, it is a trendy way to sacrifice liberty for tyranny. Rand Paul would agree if he wasn't stuck in TSA security...

Sensational Shapers 2012 - Uniqlo

The fashion world has historically been dominated by a few cities. There are four big centers in the fashion world, London, New York City, Milan and Paris. London and Paris have been intertwined with London often anglicizing Parisian trends. New York City emerged as a fashion center in the 20th century. Milan reclaimed some of Italy's past glory in the eighties. Since then, many shops and designers have emerged to emulate these centers. Now that communication and images can so easily spread around the world, fashion shops tend to copy with greater speed and then tweak it to match their region's cultural tendencies. This has led to major competition with the four traditional fashion centers and other cities have emerged as fashionable in their own right. Places like Los Angeles, Rome, Chicago, São Paulo, Sydney, Barcelona and Tokyo all have some claim to fashion trendsetting.

For years fashion and power have gone hand in hand. The Sun King, Louis XIV pioneered high heels in his powerful reign. While men usually don't wear high heels anymore fashion still follows the power. In today's terms that means money follows the cash. As the United States is still, even in the rockiest of times, a place with unprecedented discretionary spending power fashion has made its way to the power.

Unfortunately, for the vast majority of us, basically only excluding those outside of haute couture and those that can afford to shop at Neiman Marcus, the fashion world has appropriated hipster styling. Minimalist chic and casual prêt-à-porter on a budget are so en vogue right now. In America this market has been dominated by three main shops. First, the homegrown store from Philly that we know is simply a front for world domination, Urban Outfitters. Then there is the Swedish store called H & M. Lastly, there is Zara, a Spanish outfit. Then there are a bevy of knock-offs and wannabes that follow suit. Now one of the minor fashion centers is exporting their hipster trendy wares to where the money is.

Uniqlo, a Japanese based hipster/hipster curious friendly boutique shop has had stores in Manhattan since 2005, but they have an aggressive strategy to increase their revenue in the United States (and in China). With effective marketing to an eager public Uniqlo is poised to become a household name in 2012 and really shake up the trendsters fashion shopping routine. However, the real reason that Uniqlo is a Sensational Shaper of 2012 is how they might aid or stop the growing threat of the United Republic of Urban Outfitters.

IKEA has been working diligently to stymie the U.R.U.O. Owls have sided with the enemy. Quebec has kept UO's unwanted advances at bay for now. As Uniqlo steps up it could tip the balance one way or the other. If Uniqlo were to form some sort of alliance with UO it would be disastrous. It is possibly that even so valiant a champion such as IKEA might not be able to stop the combined forces of evil. If that were to happen, IKEA might have no choice but to turn to the dark side for some help, the London based hipster hawker, Topshop. Stay tuned for more Sensational Shapers and keep your eyes on Uniqlo, they'll be making a big shake up in 2012.

Zombies to take over the World Bank

There have been a notable number of zombies in the world. Frankenstein was technically a zombie. Michael Jackson did a little number as a zombie. Jenna Jameson was a popular zombie stripper. According to Beavis and Butthead, Kristen Stewart might be a zombie. There have been zombie stocks like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac wreaking havoc during the Zombie frenzy of the 21st century. We've profiled Icelandic Zombies not named Björk or the swan around Björk's neck. We've even wondered aloud if Norv Turner may in fact be a zombie. Now we have to deal with a Zombie taking over the World Bank.

Larry Summers is an economist that pushed forward deregulation policies during the Clinton Administration that helped lead to the financial meltdown. He commented in a leaked email that dirty industries should be moved to developing countries, something that should derail a public figure faster than Dominque Strauss-Kahn could be undone by a scandal. But, Summers appears to be undead. Unlike a Vampire who can be killed by stake through the heart, Summers could easily survive this. No one can advocate for moving pollution to impoverished areas for the sake of economic gain could possibly have a heart. An unbeating heart should be a telltale sign of something amiss. Silver bullets, normally needed to take down a werewolf would only become tools in an economist hands, unless of course there is a silver bubble burst like happened in 2011... Thus, we can only assume that Summers is a zombie.

So how can one prevent a zombie from coming to power in so powerful of a financial position as head of the World Bank?

We could maybe organize a protest and espouse our anger without detailing any real solutions. That can cause a stir and a media frenzy, but our friends in Zuccotti Park might tell us that this is quixotic task.

We could maybe destroy the World Bank by robbing it of its resources. This would be difficult, but a blueprint exists. Have you ever seen Swordfish? That might work, but Hugh Jackman might be unavailable with his busy broadway schedule. We for one, are excited about his Houdini act. Besides, he's too flirty with NYC's finest to be bothered.

Since that is out, the only thing we can do is maybe offer him a more lucrative position in a financial firm. Wal-Mart surely is too big to fail. Or maybe, since Urban Outfitters is looking for a new CEO and we hope to see the imminent destruction of UO before they can do real harm it can only be hoped that he could slide into that role and cause a bit more of implosion... But that may just be too optimistic.

As Urban Outfitters sinks, IKEA makes the war green!

We all know about the struggle for control of earth being waged between Urban Outfitters and IKEA by now. If you don't here's a quick recap. Urban Outfitters is looking to carve out a little piece of territory in Eurasia by acclimating us to look at their maps. From there, they plan on making everyone into controllable hipsters. But IKEA has vowed to stop them. Why is this important? Because if IKEA doesn't stop them they will force us all through mind control to do things we would rather snark at. In this war we know that Quebec can be trusted but Owls cannot. Well, Urban Outfitters has suffered a number of setbacks recently. Their CEO has stepped down. We however are not so optimistic as that link in thinking that UO's best days are behind it.

But, IKEA has stepped up its war efforts in a fairly unique way. We know they built siege towers out of scrap wood when they went to cardboard pallets. Now, they are going green! Up to 85% of American IKEA's will be covered by Solar Power. While this is awesome for the environment it makes me nervous. Could UO come out with some Bond villainesque scheme of turning off the sun's rays sapping IKEA of its power? UO is capable of quite a lot of control. Sun control may not be far off. Hopefully the search for a new CEO will stop some of this juggernaut's speed in world domination long enough for IKEA to get a kill shot.

Ikea is once again on the move to stop the United Republic of Urban Outfitters

There are many hipster and hipster curious types in Asia, especially in the Chinese middle classes and all over Japan. But, in India the country has yet to reach the point of cynicism required to mutate tweens and twenty-somethings that have taken a page out of Peter Pan's playbook of never growing up into the hipster that destroys community. Bollywood's brilliance and vibrance makes sure that people cannot sink to the level of depravity that creates hipster breeding grounds. It makes IKEA's decision to open in India an unique one then.

We all know that IKEA has given up the profit motive in order to save us from the impending evil that will come through the creation of the United Republic of Urban Outfitters. It made us ask why India? Why now? Well, India is outpacing much of the world in growth and it may soon knock the Chinese out of the number two spot in the game of Economic power simply by their enormous growth potential and a lack of state mandated family planning. With growth and the economic prosperity that often follows comes the natural tendency to become cynical and ironic to the point that a word cannot be uttered without a sarcastic hue blanketing the syllables. So IKEA is taking a preemptive strike against the possibility of UO making inroads into India. Hopefully through the power of Bollywood and IKEA this populous country will not fall prey to hipsterdom.

IKEA looks to stop the Hipsterification of Bulgaria

IKEA's store in Sofia, Bulgaria is only a few months old, having been opened in September of 2011. But it's 30,000 square feet of pure recruitment ground is paying dividends in the struggle against Urban Outfitters. But, nonetheless UO has gotten its hooks into young Bulgarians turning them hipster.

Gogol Bordello, a Manhattan based group (pictured above in the dirty hipster stash and grimy clothing) embraces Bulgarian traditions and gypsy stylings to give a hipster vibe that is popular amongst the hipsters in Bulgaria.

The Zydepunks, a New Orleans based group has commandeered traditional Bulgarian folk music, woven it with cajun and zydeco rhythmic gyrations and created hipster songs.

Unfortunately these American exports seem to be increasing UO's power inside of Bulgaria so IKEA must be extra vigilant. As if that wasn't bad enough, Sofia has its own hipster hot spot called "The Apartment". That's a picture of hipster scrawling at this place "where the cool kids hang out". IKEA has its work cut out for it in Bulgaria.

The Continuing Gold Rush Problems in Krgyzstan

Kyrgyzstan looked promising as the only former Soviet state in Central Asia to rid itself of a strongman through election. Better still, there was gold in them hills. Foreign mining companies from as far flung regions as Australia and Canada came rushing in and everything pointed to a strengthening of the Krygyz economy. But, a spill of cyanide in 1998 and an incident involving a horseback mob threatening mining supporters in 2011 have left chilling vestiges lingering on this promising country. This is a bit of speculation but, Urban Outfitters has been looking to carve some of the stan territory for itself to create the United Republic of Urban Outfitters, so they cannot be ruled out as having a hand in this. God help us all if they get ahold of that copper and gold. They'll make mind control owl necklaces and turn us all into hipsters!

Seriously though there is a wealth of semi-precious and precious metal under the ground in Kyrgyzstan and if done ethically, it could really help the country. Of course there is danger in more developed countries exploiting a lesser one. John Paul Getty once said, "the meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights". This is not the positive, ethical stance Kyrgyzstan needs from corporations. But, if the country can keep corporations from acting in predatory ways the citizens of Kyrgyzstan can really benefit from the boon that this would provide.

First, copper is going to continue to be in high demand as a staple in computers and electronics. Having a capable mine available to provide for this demand would help the economy immensely. In Kazakhstan, its neighbor to the north the GDP per capita is five times higher, thanks in part to Kazakhstan's friendly stance to foreign investment to tap the oil fields. The Kumtor Gold mine in Issyk Kul Province (near the Krygyz border with China) accounts for 9.4% of the countries GDP and half of its industrial output. Since opening in 1997, the mine has produced more gold bullion than Belgium has in its reserves. Basically, there's a lot of gold in them hills.

But corruption and xenophobia has kept the needed foreign investment at bay to foster the growth of industry. If the Krygyz government and its citizens can figure out a way to work with foreign corporations their boon could be as large as Kazakhstan's. It would also be beneficial in the struggle to keep the United Republic of Urban Outfitters from carving out a piece of their territory inside of Kyrgyzstan.

IKEA is under attack in Belgium

It had been quiet in the post-holiday slump of the IKEA and Urban Outfitters war, but alas to the war we go. We know that IKEA has some strong allies in Quebec and Ottawa. We know that Owls have sided with UO. And we now know that Belgian restauranteurs are not to be trusted. According to these guys IKEA is under attack in Belgium on account of their deliciously discounted meatballs. Just thinking about it makes me long for some lingonsylt...

The story goes that Belgian restaurants are upset because of the price of IKEA's meatballs, which at €2.50 makes them even more appealing. The Belgian protestors claim that IKEA is serving up their meatballs at a price that is below cost in order to lure an unsuspecting public into their stores. This practice is illegal in Belgium. The restauranteurs claim that once people eat the inexpensive meatball they will look at restaurants as thieves. Au contraire, mon frère, the real thieves is UO! But, this is beside the point.

To counter IKEA's strategic meatball costs the restauranteurs have banded together and started to bus in 200 homeless people to feed them meatballs. They hope that the sight of the homeless will scare off customers and force IKEA to raise their meatball prices. In the antebellum world this would seem like normal Belgian waste of talent, after all this is the country that went over 250 days without a government. But, as we know the seriousness of Urban Outfitter's plans on world domination and IKEA's vow to stop it, this attack can't be ignorant of the times we live in. Stand firm IKEA. If they keep bussing the homeless in simply use your bathroom department to give them all hot showers. Put them in the blue jumpsuits of your back room workers and have them take a nap on your incredibly comfortable and uniquely modern couches. Win-win.

One step in the war against Urban Outfitters Je me souviens

IKEA has found a new ally, the province of Quebec. The province of Quebec refuses to accept shipments from Urban Outfitters. Je me souviens Quebec. Je me souviens.

IKEA is doubling up in Ottawa

According to these guys up in Ottawa, 2012 is the year for getting taller. That is something to look forward to for all of the little people of the world, especially Ken Jeong. Hopefully, with his impending growth he won't end up stuffed naked in any trunks ready to pop out on the big screen causing a searing pain in my eyes. The same guys who predict that 2012 will be a year of surging growth in hight have also assessed the year 2011 from the prospective of Ottawans.

Among the good news was that IKEA opened a store in Ottawa. Even better news, a second IKEA will be opening up in Ottawa in 2012 and is estimated to be about the size of three airports. This will give IKEA a 2-1 advantage over the evil empire that is Urban Outfitters. However, in disheartening news they also predict an Occupy IKEA scenario that could allow hipsters controlled by Urban Outfitter's IBM machines to slow the resistance against their domination plans. We all pray that this is only a doomsday scenario that will never come to fruition.

An assessment of the Urban Outfitters vs. IKEA war

Urban Outfitters has a 505,266 twitter army that dwarfs even the combined strength of IKEA's regionally based army. Point UO.

Urban Outfitters has 176 stores proper to IKEA's giant 316 spanning 38 countries. Point IKEA.

IKEA also dwarfs UO in employee size to a 4 to 1 ratio. Point IKEA.

At the moment it appears IKEA is well placed to check UO's growing power. However, if the hipsterification is complete enough too many people will be left unaware by the schemes of UO. Plus, UO has a terrifying ally in the owl. Owls can no longer be trusted, even ones claiming allegiance to Hogwarts.

IKEA seeks to check Urban Outfitter's growing power

In a shrewd move to pin Urban Outfitters down, IKEA has recently purchased land for the first IKEA store in Korea. They have purchased the land in Gwangmyeong and will look to have the store open by 2014. Hail IKEA! Save us from doom. Thanks to the Chosun Ilbo for this optimistic report. Gwangmyeong's location could give IKEA the chance to bring about the Elagabulus scenario for Kim Jong-un as well.

Why Hipsters are dangerous

First and foremost, hipsters are dangerous because they are notoriously difficult to categorize. However, for those who do not identify themselves and are merely looking to identify the enemy amongst, this distinction is unnecessary. However, a hipster dislikes labels so calling them any of these names would be offensive to them: hipster (calling a hipster a hipster will cause them to cringe simply because it is a label), scenester (a vain hipster), emo (a hipster who is still a teenager), scene kid (a scenester who still uses myspace), poser (a hipster who other hipsters hate for their commercialized tendencies), trendster (a hipster who is trendy) or indie (a category that would be too inclusive for a hipster’s taste).

But, for us non-hipsters and non hipster-curious types, a hipster can be any of these things. A hipster therefore, is merely a trendy teenager or young adult that tends toward progressive movements with no ideological anchoring. In this sense, they are akin to many of the 99%ers and Occupy protestors. While these occupy protestors are mad without knowing what exactly they are made about, a hipster is disenfranchised with only a vague understanding of what they are disenfranchised from. Hipsters will often look like 19^th century dandies or be wearing clothes that look like, but are not purchased from (or openly announced as being purchased from) Urban Outfitters. However, UO has yet to inculcate all of their shoppers yet, hence there are hipsters and hipster curious.

But, why would such a seemingly innocuous segment of the population be so dangerous? Their drive to be non-conformist for the sake of non-conformity will eventually lead us as a species to extinction. It is only a matter of time before they simply choose not to eat because everyone else is eating. They will refuse to procreate because procreation is viewed as cool, something that hipsters hate. This will lead to an unsexed and starving population. At this point the governments of the world will have no recourse but to turn to people that understand hipsters and what hipsters like. They will unfortunately have no recourse but to turn to the recent region carved from the corners of Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, and Tajikistan known as the United Republic of Urban Outfitters. In short the dangers of Hipsters comes from the impending rise of Hipsterdom.

By being forced to turn to The United Republic of Urban Outfitters, governments will have to concede powers to UO and their evil genius Republican masters, leaving us all vulnerable to the greedy 1% of the 1% of the 1%, known as the .001%. These individuals will then control everything in deed and in name. Scary stuff. Beware of the hipsters. When you see a hipster, engage them in rational debate causing them to become further disenfranchised. They will eventually become disenfranchised with being disenfranchised. Their tendency towards a lack of thoughtful non-conformity will cause them to act non-conformingly towards nonconformity. This will cause a short circuit in their synapses, rendering them yuppies. Hey, yuppies are at least productive members of society.

The succession of Kim Jong-Il at Georgio's Oven Fresh on East 55th street in Cleveland, OH

Hanover Line I-VI

Last time on the glorious Hanover line of thought we spoke of suburbanite indoctrination by evil corporate geniuses at Urban Outfitters. Moving from the glacial pace of UO's propagandism towards a high-speed one, we move from Philadelphia headquarters to Pyongyang. Recently, Kim Jong-il, the supreme leader of North Korea passed away. While he is still being mourned in North Korea and other places like Tehran, Mogadishu, and Scovill Avenue in Cleveland, OH, the rest of the world now focuses on Kim Jong-un, the Great Successor in North Korea and his impending control of the country. On a side note, while Scovill Ave may be the second most dangerous neighborhood in America according to these guys, I must say the risk is well rewarded when ingurgitating some subs at Georgio's around the corner on East 55th street (as Kim Jong-un has been wont to do). But, moving back to our topic...

At this time of great peril, I think that we ought to look at some succession scenarios for the young lad Kim Jong-un. In random order I give you some succession scenarios:

The Elagabulus scenario: Kim Jong-un could come to power and follow Elagabulus' order of business. He could replace the religion of North Korea and become its high priest whilst hosting dinner parties using whoopee cushions for entertainment purposes. When that proves to be futile he can declare a popular figure to be dead to gauge reaction from the masses and the generals. Sadly for Elagabulus this ended in his and his mother's death at the hands of the Praetorian Guard.

The Charles VII route: Kim Jong-un, a leader of a divided Korea looks fairly similar. Charles VII did not have control over much of France at the beginning of his reign and controlled neither Paris, the capital, nor Reims, where the kings of his family were crowned. Later in his reign he lost control of his empire to his son, which eventually caused him to grow mad. He died lonely in his death bed while his reign was overshadowed by a woman.

The Emperor Modi line: Kim Jong-un, whose kingdom is suspiciously close to the descendants of the Mongols could opt for this route, though he already has about a half a week on old Modi. Modi, the last of the Jin dynasty was crowned during the Mongol attack, but was killed 20 minutes later.

The Sayid Khalid bin Barghash of Zanzibar route: Kim Jong-un could spark a 38 minute war with an international superpower and be deposed, resulting in a life on the lam only to return home to die peacefully.

All of these options are open to Kim Jong-un, or he could be like his father and be a parasitic vulture and continue to cripple millions of North Korea. His choice.

IKEA has come to save us from Urban Outfitters!

We first uncovered an Urban Outfitters plot to take over the world and published it here. Later, we found a possible methodology and wondered aloud, if there would come forth a knight in shining armor to save us from the clutches of the evil UO. It appears that our prayers have been answered by a driving force out of Småland. The Skogsra and Sjora have been called out from the woods and waters, respectively in such a show of force it will cause even the mightiest trolls at Urban Outfitters to fear. One can only hope for a soul as stout as Styrbjörn the Strong to emerge from the melee.

What am I talking about you may ask? As you recall, UO is bent on world domination. First by creating an entire population of hipsters, unable or unwilling to stand confrontation long enough and thus, so docile that enslavement will merely be sulkingly lamented rather than vigorously fought against. Second, UO is acculturating us to accept their cartographical skills by customizing them with butterflies and hipster-friendly emblems, slowly but surely carving out a small empire for themselves. Since we the hipster sheep will undoubtedly continue to buy only their maps, the gradual expansion of the United Republic of Urban Outfitters carved out of some Eurasian "stan" countries we've never heard of will become commonplace to us. By the time they have effectively mounted their way into Western European countries we have some vague name recognition of it will be too late as the hipsterification of the Western World will have been complete. With that backdrop in mind it was clear that we needed a corporation to fend off this naked power grab by UO. That corporation has appeared in the non-publicly traded (this is important to us 99%ers with no aspirations of reaching the 1%) company IKEA.

IKEA has decided to build a neighborhood in East London attracting to it IT and creatives to it. I wonder if they have any need for a stand-up philosopher, but I've digressed. Certainly, IKEA will not stand for some other corporation attempting to control all of the world. And since IKEA and UO both sell house furnishings there is no likelihood of some impending evil axis between the two. Thus, the great epic battle of the 21st century has begun. In one corner the evil empire, UO and the other, our champion and hero, the Swedish Hammer, IKEA.

Länge leve Sverige!

Long live IKEA!

Mind control within five years! Lovely, odd, disheartening and potential danger to imminently follow

Saxony line I-VI

Recently we discussed the novocolonial mind control techniques of the world's most interesting man of creating something meaningful out of utter meaningless. Today, we must continue our journey after taking a day of vacation to celebrate Boxing Day. So without further ado, we move from the world's most interesting man's coercive persuasion through peddling Dos Equis to a more incredible form of mind control. IBM has predicted that mind powered PCs will be commonplace in five years. Click here for substantiation.

The ability to call a person merely by thinking of them is an incredible idea. Right now, I'm thinking of my incredible fiancee. My phone could be dialing her up right now. But, what if I were to begin to think of someone say, President Obama. Am I going to get through to him? Will I get a knock at the door by some CIA agents because I disagree with a president and think about what I'd like to say to him? Or more eerily, what if I think of my old nemesis François-Marie Arouet? Will my cellular ring him with unwanted and transdimensional consequences? Somehow I think that St. Peter and Anubis are going to figure out ways to block incoming calls, but the technology might have to play catchup to IBM's Jedi force tricks. It all depends on where Steve Jobs resides in the hereafter as to whether upstairs or downstairs has the latest, most stylish tech.

The EPOC neurohead set, purchasable for $299 here and shown in the picture above has caused a more sinister thought to creep its way into my otherwise optimistic mind. The mohawk sporting fellow obviously is the primary target market of Urban Outfitters. God help us all if neurotechnology were to fall into the hands of UO! Will there be a champion to arise that will save us from the evil designs of UO?

Come, come, we don't play guitar.

Hanover Line I-V

Last time on the Hanover Line we spoke about the voxpop of hipsterdom. So, this week comes some news to brighten any hipster, closeted hipster or hipster curious human being, which is incidentally anyone who has purchased something from the evil genius that is Urban Outfitters or decried UO as a bastion of plastic, suburbanite indoctrination (every American between the ages of 15-33 falls into one of these categories. Hipsters love and hate UO. Love, because of their product lines. Hate, because of their mass production tendencies. Hipster curious loves UO because of its mass production and relative ease of purchase. Some like the ideas of hipsterism, just not the prerequisite of shopping at difficult to find thrift shops.)

However, at the risk of losing all of my well worked indie cred by picking on hipsters I have just popped in the lossless of Max Alper's untitled improvisation. He's so damn deck he doesn't even have a wikipedia article.

As I was saying before I was sidetracked by my needless explanations and qualifications and the self aggrandizing homage to musical genius, a voice has arisen out of the hipster kingdom that is Williamsburg, Brooklyn only to retreat back into the murky shadows of places like the Trash Bar, which I knew back when it was Luxx. (Hipsters and hipster curious will understand my glee at knowing a dive bar that hosts under appreciated musical talents before anyone else).

The Suzan just played a show at the Big Snow Buffalo Lodge where they announced their coming in the most riveting girl-powered sonicscape since Chicks on Speed told us that they don't play guitars. Check them both out. They will probably save your life.

A lamentable haircut, Donald Trump, and the Urban Outfitters' Conspiracy.

Hanover Line I-IV

It appears that Norris Cole has cut his House Partyesque hair, thus ruining my hopes for a renaissance of Kid N' Play records. I'll simply devote a few hours tomorrow to my corner shrine.

On the topic of parties, it appears as though the GOP has lost Donald Trump, who has reregistered as an independent. In other and totally unrelated news, the GOP has gained much of the credibility they had lost over Boehner's miscalculation on the House Republicans payroll tax showdown.

Still concerning parties, there has been a rash of ugly sweater and turtleneck parties in recent Christmas seasons. For any Beltway insiders, there is one in your neck of the woods going on right now until 11 PM. I have to admit I'm all for sarcasm, satire and lowbrow jokes. I'm even for ruthless mockery and self-deprication, a staple of these parties. However, I find these Ugly Christmas Sweater parties to be nothing more than an excuse for hipsters to commingle with people who secretly want to be hipsters. It is this commingling that has me worried about the growing power of Urban Outfitters, Inc.

Urban Outfitters may model itself as a hipster/hipster-curious hot spot for fashion, accessories and entertainment, but what they sell with their wares are ideals and controls. Ideals that state that not only is it ok to be countercultural, that to be noncountercultural is in fact, countercultural. This anthropogenesis of the androgynous authenticating abstraction is absurd and arid. In other words, a hipster can be laughed at and generally ignored because while he may claim some vox-pop, hipsters generally can't stand being in large groups for long enough to create any lasting idea or movement. Hence, the control.

If this was all UO was doing successfully than we could simply ignore them. However, what UO is doing is as sinister as it is ingenious. By creating generations upon generations of hipsters, UO will render the willpower of men and women to be so weak that these wolves in sheepskin can finally come out and devour all of us with their vapid and vicious soul-crushing consumerism. They've already started to acculturate us to the idea of them redrawing the map in a "personalized" way (see picture). Pretty soon we'll simply defer to UO for real map redistricting since they'll promise to make sure to evenly spread out the butterflies amongst us.

Capitalism 3 - Art 1.

On a more optimistic note, Merry Christmas.