South Carolina has spoken and they have said that they want the family values guy Newt Gingrich rather than the Moderate fiscal conservative Mitt Romney. Newt Gingrich was followed by Mitt Romney, then Rick Santorum and then Ron Paul. We're not too huge on percentages, but if that's your thing you can find them here, and only here. They exist nowhere else on the Internet.
So what has South Carolina's victory for Newt Gingrich told us? This is the part of the post where we move from a peculiar particular to a sweeping generalization, otherwise known as inductive reasoning. As the conclusion is not explicitly contained within the premises there will be a margin of error for the conclusion that we draw here. We believe that margin of error to be so very small we shan't produce a number. But you could say that the prediction we are about to present is about as likely Jim Harbaugh benching Alex Smith after they fall behind by 20 in the game against the Giants because he realized suddenly that he can still be the comeback kid. Miraculously, he will have success; but, in shades of the nightmare in Indianapolis, the hail mary to win the game will be called an incomplete pass. In other words our prediction is inevitable.
So what does the Gingrich victory in South Carolina mean? First and foremost, it means that the person at Moveon.org that paid Marianne Gingrich to drop her bomb shell at the opportune time wasted his money. When John Blades and Wes Boyd realize their coffers had been pilfered for this ineffective strategy they fire the individual responsible. He or she ends up going to work for Julian Assange, together they release a whole bunch of private documents that brings down the Sarkozy government in France, paving the way for one of our 2012 Sensational Shapers to take power.
Seeing the handwriting on the wall, Rick Santorum will leave the race and back Newt Gingrich. Gingrich will invite Santorum to become part of his incredibly efficient campaign. This move will backfire and Santorum will become so disillusioned with Gingrich's standard of family values that Santorum will head home to Pennsylvania and set up a consulting firm. Everyone will despair and call his innocent little project an evil lobbying firm. In further despair he will turn to iron working as a hobby. He will go on to weld the crack in the liberty bell.
Mitt will magnanimously soldier on to trade blows with Gingrich state by state. The race will go down to the wire and as the delegates come to the GOP convention contentious and rowdy rallies will cause riots all over Tampa. Ron Paul will finally voice that he is fed up and announce that he will run as an independent. This will cause everyone to come to their senses and sit down to sing kumbaya. Out of this little pow-wow a chant will arise. The groanings will be come louder and more discernible. "We want Huckabee, We want Huckabee, We want Huckabee". Dumbfounded, Mitt will leave the conference by private jet to fly out to his mansion in Côte d'Azur. Newt Gingrich will go to the nearest Tiffany's, buy it out and pass out jewelry to young and attractive females in a totally unselfish way not expecting any type of return. Mike Huckabee will have been elected by adoration.
In the general election Mike Huckabee will be close to defeating President Obama, but Ron Paul will prove to be the reincarnation of Ross Perot. He'll pop on the TV with a powerpoint and drive a wedge in the conservative vote, handing the election to President Obama on a silver platter.
So there you have it. The Gingrich victory in South Carolina means that France will elect Marine le Pen, Rick Santorum will fix the crack in the liberty bell, Mike Huckabee will become the Republican Nominee and Ron Paul will grow larger ears and lampoon Huckabee's chances.
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