Urban Outfitters hipsterfies Disney

Unlike IKEA, which is working to educate children the world over to give them a more enriched life, Urban Outfitters is looking to destroy the minds of children by turning them into hipsters.

Cinderella has appropriated Native American culture for her own freedom of expression like that evil Gretchen from Project Runway Season 8.

Pocahontas is wearing Native American garb to be ironic - BUT IT ISN'T IRONIC!! Learn the meaning of irony hipster.

Snow White looks like she has become indifferent to all of the animals. Her haircut shows solidarity with the dwarves though. They are definitely little hipsters with the beards and the tuque caps and all. Ok, Snow White becoming a hipster was inevitable because of her contact with the little woodsman hipsters. Ironically we think that the seven dwarves live in Portland now, renting out an ironic little apartment in Humboldt.

Ariel has a top that looks like fish's tail. That is clever. Very ironic. No one would have ever thought of that. You are so ingenious. We pale in comparison with your witticisms. We bow and worship at your feet. You sir, or lady, whomever has created this masterpiece are the epitome of satire.

We won't comment on Tiana. It is not because we don't have anything witty to say. It is not because of any thing deep or profound, only that we have not seen the movie and would rather withhold judgment until we have.

We all need a bit of Cubism in our well-rounded lives

Hanover Line I-XXI

Last time we sold out on the Leibnizian Ramblings blog. We drew some pictures for the few people that decided to repost our blog posts. We'd like to thank the kind gentlemen that may or may not be our doppelgänger, otherwise known as our other email account. The stick figure cubism rendition of the famous Katz scene in When Harry Met Sally is on the way.

We however got on a topic that is near and dear to our hearts, Cubism. We think that we enjoy cubism so much because our residual mental image of ourselves is closely akin to Simeon the Great in the Statue known as the Monument to 1300 Years of Bulgaria. It is for this reason that we do not own any mirrors. But nonetheless, we are cubists at heart.

We all know the well-known Cubists or Cubists inspired artists (artists are generally even more opposed to labels than hipsters - in fact, it could be argued that Marcel Duchamp may actually have been a hipster). They include the incredible Pablo Picasso, Mexican artist Diego Rivera and Max Weber. Today however, we'd like to focus on the little known, but highly influential Lyonel Feininger.

Feininger was born in America but lived much of his life in Germany. Prior to WWII he studied in Germany and began to create important pieces of art. When the Nazi Party came to power his work was labeled Entartete Kunst (degenerate art). He came back home to New York and continued his work. Feininger passed into obscurity, at least in North America, because of his time in Germany. He passed away in 1956 and since then his work has not been displayed in its full breadth until now.

The Montreal Museum of Fine Arts is presenting a pretentious sounding "first posthumous retrospective in North America". We get it, art, like hipster has to sound grandiose. But let's break it down for the majority of us who want to experience art as a way of living a well rounded life and not the vocal minority that hopes to use art as a way of making others feel stupid. We here at the Leibnizian Ramblings would never condone such an act...

What is really interesting about this collection is that the full breadth of his work is being put on display. Feininger was more than just a painter. He was a cartoonist first. Then he did a lot of paintings. Then he did some sketching and engraving. Then he started to make engraved toys. He also tinkered with photography. The toys and the photography were never displayed in his lifetime, so seeing all of his work in one place will be a neat thing. Make the trek up to Montreal. Take in Feininger's art, a Canadiens game and eat some poutine. It'll be worth the go...

Oh by the way Feininger was an accomplished violinist and composer to boot.

Orange County Hipsters

We all know that the Mecca of Hipsterdom is Brooklyn, New York, with the Hipster Ka'aba being located in Williamsburg. We also know that the Hipster Medina is Portland, Oregon. Seattle is Hipsterdom's Jerusalem. Seattle is the Jerusalem of this mix because it shares its holy status with two other groups The Frasier Religion, which is based on an unhealthy devotion to Kelsey Grammer and the dying religion of Grunge. But a crazy report is coming out today that Orange County might be the most hipster place of all.

The crowning of Orange County as Hipster central however focuses on one sole thing. The amount of fixies in the OC. For those of you who are not hipster or hipster curious a fixie is a bicycle that has no freewheel, meaning one can never coast on a fixie. Coasting is for cool people. Hipster hates cool. It is much more deck to effortlessly pedal an ironic looking bike. The real hipster of hipster rides a fixie with no breaks. That shows how much they don't care. They could die at any moment. It's hipster unto death.

But a hipster is more than someone who rides a fixie. A hipster is ironic without understanding the meaning of irony. This notion that facial hair can be ironic is anathema to true irony pioneers. The only thing that could be ironic about a mustache is if a person with a mustache was on his smoking break where smoking was illegal. There is also nothing ironic about PBR per se. The only thing ironic is that America's worst tasting beer is now America's most expensive beer because of the hipster appropriation of it. Soon it will be unaffordable to hipsters. Hipster running up the price on PBR to the point they can no longer afford it, now that is ironic.

The OC however could in fact become the Harar of Hipsterdom. Hipsters could move to the OC from Mecca (Williambsburg) because they have grown tired of the poor weather and because hipsters generally can't stand the sight of each other. Hipsters could travel south from Portland to seek refuge the upcoming Renaissance Tour of The Decemberists and Death Cab for Cutie. And it is conceivable that hipsters from Seattle could ride their fixies down to Big Sur and miss the exit because they were fiddling with their iPod and find comfort in the OC. So, while the article says that the OC is the biggest hipster hot spot, we estimate that it could never be anything more than the fourth holy city of Hipsterdom.

It's snowing on the hipsters

Saxony Line I-XVII

We have come to realize that we write better when we're not hungry. Our last post was on Ramen Noodles. They weren't as tasty as we had hoped. They were more bitter than ironic. Alas these bitter herbs! They leavest now my mouth in such disarray.

Speaking of disarray, the Pacific Northwest has been hit by a massive snowstorm. Seattle and Portland were hit hard by the white stuff. It caused a whole bunch of fallen trees and down power lines leaving nearly a quarter of a million people without electricity. Plus, with all of the hipsters running about in scarves and v-neck ironic tee shirts it is likely that a flu pandemic will break out. That picture is an accurate description of what happens when snow falls on a hipster. He continues his walk nonchalantly as if nothing happened. Well played hipster.

But not all hipsters were so free of being mean spirited. One hipster chick in Seattle decided to unleash a cruel and vicious snarking on an unsuspecting news reporter. The reporter was simply trying to let the public know that sledding into a busy street might be a bad decision. But Miss Hipster decided that that advice was unwarranted and unwelcome. After blasting the reporter Miss Hipster went to a trendy coffee shop where she read some poetry by someone you've never heard of whilst listening to a band that plays music that stretches credulity to calling it music.

Sensational Shapers 2012 - Uniqlo

The fashion world has historically been dominated by a few cities. There are four big centers in the fashion world, London, New York City, Milan and Paris. London and Paris have been intertwined with London often anglicizing Parisian trends. New York City emerged as a fashion center in the 20th century. Milan reclaimed some of Italy's past glory in the eighties. Since then, many shops and designers have emerged to emulate these centers. Now that communication and images can so easily spread around the world, fashion shops tend to copy with greater speed and then tweak it to match their region's cultural tendencies. This has led to major competition with the four traditional fashion centers and other cities have emerged as fashionable in their own right. Places like Los Angeles, Rome, Chicago, São Paulo, Sydney, Barcelona and Tokyo all have some claim to fashion trendsetting.

For years fashion and power have gone hand in hand. The Sun King, Louis XIV pioneered high heels in his powerful reign. While men usually don't wear high heels anymore fashion still follows the power. In today's terms that means money follows the cash. As the United States is still, even in the rockiest of times, a place with unprecedented discretionary spending power fashion has made its way to the power.

Unfortunately, for the vast majority of us, basically only excluding those outside of haute couture and those that can afford to shop at Neiman Marcus, the fashion world has appropriated hipster styling. Minimalist chic and casual prêt-à-porter on a budget are so en vogue right now. In America this market has been dominated by three main shops. First, the homegrown store from Philly that we know is simply a front for world domination, Urban Outfitters. Then there is the Swedish store called H & M. Lastly, there is Zara, a Spanish outfit. Then there are a bevy of knock-offs and wannabes that follow suit. Now one of the minor fashion centers is exporting their hipster trendy wares to where the money is.

Uniqlo, a Japanese based hipster/hipster curious friendly boutique shop has had stores in Manhattan since 2005, but they have an aggressive strategy to increase their revenue in the United States (and in China). With effective marketing to an eager public Uniqlo is poised to become a household name in 2012 and really shake up the trendsters fashion shopping routine. However, the real reason that Uniqlo is a Sensational Shaper of 2012 is how they might aid or stop the growing threat of the United Republic of Urban Outfitters.

IKEA has been working diligently to stymie the U.R.U.O. Owls have sided with the enemy. Quebec has kept UO's unwanted advances at bay for now. As Uniqlo steps up it could tip the balance one way or the other. If Uniqlo were to form some sort of alliance with UO it would be disastrous. It is possibly that even so valiant a champion such as IKEA might not be able to stop the combined forces of evil. If that were to happen, IKEA might have no choice but to turn to the dark side for some help, the London based hipster hawker, Topshop. Stay tuned for more Sensational Shapers and keep your eyes on Uniqlo, they'll be making a big shake up in 2012.

Hipster Paradox

We all know the paradox of hipsters and ice cream, now we have another paradox to ponder.

On North 4th street in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn there is a building with shops for rent. This is nothing new. Williamsburg is like Mecca to hipsters. Hipsters are transient in nature and semi-nomadic. They would be more stationary but they keep getting kicked off other people's couches much to their chagrin. Anyway the property is renting out shops that will undoubtedly fit in with the Bedford Cheese shop (even non hipster hipster-curious types will enjoy their artisan cheeses) and the pretentious sounding Spoonbill & Sugartown Booksellers. The paradox is for the hipster is that building with available shops that will undoubtedly be filled by bohemian appropriated hipster junk is owned by capitalists. It is very possible that it is owned by people with ties to Brookfield Office Properties, the people who evicted the Occupy Wall Street protestors out of Zuccotti Park.

Here is the riddle that hipster will snark at but undoubtedly be perplexed by:

By opening a shop in the mecca of hipsterdom at Williamsburg in order to spread the values or lack thereof in hipster culture one would have to pay rent to a Republican or a Republican sympathizer. The paradox is this, hipster must spread hipster wares or there will be none left. It is an existential crisis. In order to spread the hipster culture one must inadvertently support a Republican. By opening a shop in Williamsburg a hipster is paying to finance a Republican presidential nominee. Is the survival of hipsterdom worth that?

Don't try to impinge on my logic with clever sophistry. Deal with it. When you open a hipster shop you support a Republican presidential nominee. Somewhere in Williamsburg, probably outside the Bedford Cheese shop, on his modified-customized bicycle, smoking a menthol cigarette and drinking a PBR, a hipster is shedding a revelatory tear.

Ikea is once again on the move to stop the United Republic of Urban Outfitters

There are many hipster and hipster curious types in Asia, especially in the Chinese middle classes and all over Japan. But, in India the country has yet to reach the point of cynicism required to mutate tweens and twenty-somethings that have taken a page out of Peter Pan's playbook of never growing up into the hipster that destroys community. Bollywood's brilliance and vibrance makes sure that people cannot sink to the level of depravity that creates hipster breeding grounds. It makes IKEA's decision to open in India an unique one then.

We all know that IKEA has given up the profit motive in order to save us from the impending evil that will come through the creation of the United Republic of Urban Outfitters. It made us ask why India? Why now? Well, India is outpacing much of the world in growth and it may soon knock the Chinese out of the number two spot in the game of Economic power simply by their enormous growth potential and a lack of state mandated family planning. With growth and the economic prosperity that often follows comes the natural tendency to become cynical and ironic to the point that a word cannot be uttered without a sarcastic hue blanketing the syllables. So IKEA is taking a preemptive strike against the possibility of UO making inroads into India. Hopefully through the power of Bollywood and IKEA this populous country will not fall prey to hipsterdom.

Hipster paradox and the best ice cream in America

Hanover Line I-XIV

Last time on the Hanover line we discussed the goings on in the United Arab Emirates. There was a lot of those goings on. There was hashish. There was bullet trains. The was drive-in theaters in the middle of the dessert. And there was Cold Stone. It was that topic that got me thinking about ice cream and where to get the best ice cream.

By the way, why doesn't Hipster like ice cream?

In Upland, IN a sleepy little college town there is a place called Ivanhoes. They offer an hundred shakes and an hundred sundaes. Good stuff. Strawberry shortcake in season is the best. But, overall you have to get the tenderloin and onion rings. Period.

In Washington DC there is this place called Dolcezza Gelato. It's Argentinian gelato, not the ordinary Italian variety. Argentinians make it creamier. Go to the one in Dupont Circle. Then go read in Kramerbooks.

This one is for you Colleen. All American Classic Diner Home of the Stuffed Burger in Cedar City Utah has awesome soft serve. However, that's assuming that you can make it through a meal there without feeling too full for even the most delicious soft serve on the planet. (Sorry to my friends at Cliffs in Ledgewood, NJ. It beats the hitherto unbeatable Skyscraper). First you have to eat the stuffed burger. That's two pieces of fried bread surrounding a fried hamburger patty. Not even the geniuses of Epic Meal Time could top the calorie count in such a small portion. If you make it through that you'll be rewarded with hands down the best soft serve. The only drawback to this place is that for such a small town there is a disproportionate amount of hipsters. Worst still most of them are the younger, more aggressive kind known as scenesters.

Then there is Capogiro Gelateria in Philadelphia. It's kind of like Dolcezza but way more pretentious. You have to go there so whenever the topic of ice cream is broached in everyday conversation you can look down on people when they give you a quizzical and slightly disgusted look when you say the best gelato you've ever eaten is Sweet Potato and Pecan Praline. Tasty snobbery.

But overall the best ice cream in America is in Jackson, MI. A simple and quaint place called The Parlour. The Parlour serves up traditional American Fare and the best darn Banana Split you have ever feasted upon. While there is a lot of vintage chicness to the place you won't have to worry about hipster appropriating the place because hipster doesn't like ice cream.

So, why doesn't hipster like ice cream?

Ice cream is empirically verifiably cool. Hipster hates cool. Hipster assassinates cool. The only way to assassinate ice cream is to eat it. To assassinate the cool Hipster must ingest the cool. Ice cream is paradoxical to hipster. Hipster hates having the tables turned on him.

The Demythologizing of the Hipster

Hipsters like to shroud themselves in myth. They want to be an enigma. But they aren't enigmatic. We've talked a lot about hipsters on this blog so I thought it high time to demythologize the hipster.

Hipster began where most countercultural revolutions begin, in affluent suburbs. It also was started by people who often start subversive cultural rifting, teenagers of well-to-do parents that have nothing to really rebel against. Thus, you have incredibly plastic origins of the hipster. To be fair though, the hipster movement is not the only counterculture movement to spring from affluence.

1) The Beat Generation: William S. Burroughs came from money and went to Harvard. Jack Kerouac got a scholarship to Columbia to play football. Ginsberg also went to Columbia. Ivy League rebellion.

2) The Dialectic of Enlightenment: Max Horkheimer was born to a wealthy Jewish family and went on to discuss suffering in great detail. Theodor W. Adorno was born to a successful wine-export entrepreneur and railed against the system that nobody can escape. What are you running from???

3) The Apple Macintosh Revival: Steve Jobs was adopted by parents with early jobs in the Silicon valley. Why are you so anti-IBM?

So the Hipster movement is not alone in being rebellious for no apparent reason. But the hipsters love anything that they deem as authentic. They have a sick obsession with it. Not with the authentic itself, but with what they deem is the real deal. So where does originality come from in the 1990's or the 2000's? From past decades of course. The hipsters have appropriated a number of influences and blended them together. They like ethnic things like African patterns made in London. They like the beatniks if they're read over digital media out of context. They like metrosexuality as long as its ironic in their eyes. Take all of this mash it together with sorrowful, whiny music and you have the birth of hipsterdom.

But with this striving for originality comes a cynicism known as the snark. Basically anything that anyone deems cool must be mercilessly ridiculed with snide comments by hipster. This is why hipsters can never get along with anyone, especially one another. A hipster must mock the cool kid or the nerd equally to qualify for metacoolness. But, even if a hipster were to think that some other hipster's appropriated styling was worthy of praise he must snark it out of principle, or out of envy of not discovering the current milieu of what the other hipster is doing.

So the hipster is a cynical vomitorium of style. But, one thing that hipster does well is to be informed. In order to have the thin veneer of originality the hipster must know a little bit about a lot of things. How can hipster deem something ironic if hipster does not know the meaning of ironic? How can hipster seek out emergent music if hipster does not know what music would never be considered original or authentic? How can hipster snark non-hipster with literary quips if hipster is not well read? Hipster cannot. Therefore, hipster reads Vice magazine religiously and memorizes obscure artists and authors wikipedia articles.

IKEA looks to stop the Hipsterification of Bulgaria

IKEA's store in Sofia, Bulgaria is only a few months old, having been opened in September of 2011. But it's 30,000 square feet of pure recruitment ground is paying dividends in the struggle against Urban Outfitters. But, nonetheless UO has gotten its hooks into young Bulgarians turning them hipster.

Gogol Bordello, a Manhattan based group (pictured above in the dirty hipster stash and grimy clothing) embraces Bulgarian traditions and gypsy stylings to give a hipster vibe that is popular amongst the hipsters in Bulgaria.

The Zydepunks, a New Orleans based group has commandeered traditional Bulgarian folk music, woven it with cajun and zydeco rhythmic gyrations and created hipster songs.

Unfortunately these American exports seem to be increasing UO's power inside of Bulgaria so IKEA must be extra vigilant. As if that wasn't bad enough, Sofia has its own hipster hot spot called "The Apartment". That's a picture of hipster scrawling at this place "where the cool kids hang out". IKEA has its work cut out for it in Bulgaria.

IKEA continues to protect us from Hipsters and the UO Domination

Marsden Park, New South Wales is rejoicing this day as they look back on the year 2011. According to the Rouse Hill Times. The building of IKEA is the 19th top story of 2011 for this suburb of Sydney. This comes as good news to all of us who rely on IKEA to stop the growth of the evil empire. It is especially good news for the Aussies in this dangerous time.

Down under hipsterdom items like nonprescription eyeglasses, ironic sweaters, handlebar mustaches and greasy hair are trends that are growing in popularity at an alarming rate. Cut Copy have toured throughout Australia spreading the gospel of rehashed Depeche Mode soundscapes with a bit of monotoned depression. If you are in the vicinity of Gisborne, New Zealand they played a concert there yesterday (today still where I am in the world). Be on the look out for listlessly meandering teens and twenty-somethings in skinny jeans and flannels driving back to the garage apartments at their parent's suburban two-story, four bedroom houses. You'll notice them because on the way home they'll be trying to turn the Gisborne Botanical Gardens into the world's greatest lomography studio in the world.

But, I digress. Today bears good, optimistic news. Aussies and Kiwis need not fret over the hipsters because IKEA is valiantly work to curb the growing prowess of the evil empire and stymie hipsterdom where ever it rears its ugly head. Congratulations Marsden Park. Welcome to the revolution.

On another positive note, I was scanning the Internet for IKEA sightings when I came across a gem on Kijiji. A man was looking to unload some top notch IKEA swag near Barrie, Ontario. He posted that he was selling an IKEA couch for $75 Canadian dollars. He said that the economic, yet minimalist classic worthy of any good post-modern artist was located in Utopia. Of course it is. Of course it is.

IKEA is doubling up in Ottawa

According to these guys up in Ottawa, 2012 is the year for getting taller. That is something to look forward to for all of the little people of the world, especially Ken Jeong. Hopefully, with his impending growth he won't end up stuffed naked in any trunks ready to pop out on the big screen causing a searing pain in my eyes. The same guys who predict that 2012 will be a year of surging growth in hight have also assessed the year 2011 from the prospective of Ottawans.

Among the good news was that IKEA opened a store in Ottawa. Even better news, a second IKEA will be opening up in Ottawa in 2012 and is estimated to be about the size of three airports. This will give IKEA a 2-1 advantage over the evil empire that is Urban Outfitters. However, in disheartening news they also predict an Occupy IKEA scenario that could allow hipsters controlled by Urban Outfitter's IBM machines to slow the resistance against their domination plans. We all pray that this is only a doomsday scenario that will never come to fruition.

Why Hipsters are dangerous

First and foremost, hipsters are dangerous because they are notoriously difficult to categorize. However, for those who do not identify themselves and are merely looking to identify the enemy amongst, this distinction is unnecessary. However, a hipster dislikes labels so calling them any of these names would be offensive to them: hipster (calling a hipster a hipster will cause them to cringe simply because it is a label), scenester (a vain hipster), emo (a hipster who is still a teenager), scene kid (a scenester who still uses myspace), poser (a hipster who other hipsters hate for their commercialized tendencies), trendster (a hipster who is trendy) or indie (a category that would be too inclusive for a hipster’s taste).

But, for us non-hipsters and non hipster-curious types, a hipster can be any of these things. A hipster therefore, is merely a trendy teenager or young adult that tends toward progressive movements with no ideological anchoring. In this sense, they are akin to many of the 99%ers and Occupy protestors. While these occupy protestors are mad without knowing what exactly they are made about, a hipster is disenfranchised with only a vague understanding of what they are disenfranchised from. Hipsters will often look like 19^th century dandies or be wearing clothes that look like, but are not purchased from (or openly announced as being purchased from) Urban Outfitters. However, UO has yet to inculcate all of their shoppers yet, hence there are hipsters and hipster curious.

But, why would such a seemingly innocuous segment of the population be so dangerous? Their drive to be non-conformist for the sake of non-conformity will eventually lead us as a species to extinction. It is only a matter of time before they simply choose not to eat because everyone else is eating. They will refuse to procreate because procreation is viewed as cool, something that hipsters hate. This will lead to an unsexed and starving population. At this point the governments of the world will have no recourse but to turn to people that understand hipsters and what hipsters like. They will unfortunately have no recourse but to turn to the recent region carved from the corners of Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan, and Tajikistan known as the United Republic of Urban Outfitters. In short the dangers of Hipsters comes from the impending rise of Hipsterdom.

By being forced to turn to The United Republic of Urban Outfitters, governments will have to concede powers to UO and their evil genius Republican masters, leaving us all vulnerable to the greedy 1% of the 1% of the 1%, known as the .001%. These individuals will then control everything in deed and in name. Scary stuff. Beware of the hipsters. When you see a hipster, engage them in rational debate causing them to become further disenfranchised. They will eventually become disenfranchised with being disenfranchised. Their tendency towards a lack of thoughtful non-conformity will cause them to act non-conformingly towards nonconformity. This will cause a short circuit in their synapses, rendering them yuppies. Hey, yuppies are at least productive members of society.

Come, come, we don't play guitar.

Hanover Line I-V

Last time on the Hanover Line we spoke about the voxpop of hipsterdom. So, this week comes some news to brighten any hipster, closeted hipster or hipster curious human being, which is incidentally anyone who has purchased something from the evil genius that is Urban Outfitters or decried UO as a bastion of plastic, suburbanite indoctrination (every American between the ages of 15-33 falls into one of these categories. Hipsters love and hate UO. Love, because of their product lines. Hate, because of their mass production tendencies. Hipster curious loves UO because of its mass production and relative ease of purchase. Some like the ideas of hipsterism, just not the prerequisite of shopping at difficult to find thrift shops.)

However, at the risk of losing all of my well worked indie cred by picking on hipsters I have just popped in the lossless of Max Alper's untitled improvisation. He's so damn deck he doesn't even have a wikipedia article.

As I was saying before I was sidetracked by my needless explanations and qualifications and the self aggrandizing homage to musical genius, a voice has arisen out of the hipster kingdom that is Williamsburg, Brooklyn only to retreat back into the murky shadows of places like the Trash Bar, which I knew back when it was Luxx. (Hipsters and hipster curious will understand my glee at knowing a dive bar that hosts under appreciated musical talents before anyone else).

The Suzan just played a show at the Big Snow Buffalo Lodge where they announced their coming in the most riveting girl-powered sonicscape since Chicks on Speed told us that they don't play guitars. Check them both out. They will probably save your life.

A lamentable haircut, Donald Trump, and the Urban Outfitters' Conspiracy.

Hanover Line I-IV

It appears that Norris Cole has cut his House Partyesque hair, thus ruining my hopes for a renaissance of Kid N' Play records. I'll simply devote a few hours tomorrow to my corner shrine.

On the topic of parties, it appears as though the GOP has lost Donald Trump, who has reregistered as an independent. In other and totally unrelated news, the GOP has gained much of the credibility they had lost over Boehner's miscalculation on the House Republicans payroll tax showdown.

Still concerning parties, there has been a rash of ugly sweater and turtleneck parties in recent Christmas seasons. For any Beltway insiders, there is one in your neck of the woods going on right now until 11 PM. I have to admit I'm all for sarcasm, satire and lowbrow jokes. I'm even for ruthless mockery and self-deprication, a staple of these parties. However, I find these Ugly Christmas Sweater parties to be nothing more than an excuse for hipsters to commingle with people who secretly want to be hipsters. It is this commingling that has me worried about the growing power of Urban Outfitters, Inc.

Urban Outfitters may model itself as a hipster/hipster-curious hot spot for fashion, accessories and entertainment, but what they sell with their wares are ideals and controls. Ideals that state that not only is it ok to be countercultural, that to be noncountercultural is in fact, countercultural. This anthropogenesis of the androgynous authenticating abstraction is absurd and arid. In other words, a hipster can be laughed at and generally ignored because while he may claim some vox-pop, hipsters generally can't stand being in large groups for long enough to create any lasting idea or movement. Hence, the control.

If this was all UO was doing successfully than we could simply ignore them. However, what UO is doing is as sinister as it is ingenious. By creating generations upon generations of hipsters, UO will render the willpower of men and women to be so weak that these wolves in sheepskin can finally come out and devour all of us with their vapid and vicious soul-crushing consumerism. They've already started to acculturate us to the idea of them redrawing the map in a "personalized" way (see picture). Pretty soon we'll simply defer to UO for real map redistricting since they'll promise to make sure to evenly spread out the butterflies amongst us.

Capitalism 3 - Art 1.

On a more optimistic note, Merry Christmas.