IKEA is doing it for the kids

Once again we have been justified in our choice as IKEA to be our knight in shining armor against the evil that comes from Philadelphia, that evil which shan't be named but rhymes with Turban Poutnitters.

IKEA has raised $16.2 million dollars for UNICEF and Save The Children through the sale of their "soft toys". Since 2003 when this campaign of good began, IKEA has raised over $61 million dollars. The money goes to fund education in underprivileged areas around the globe. It buys supplies and trains teachers how to work. All in all IKEA is doing great work, while battering Evil to the point of non-recognition.

Save IKEA from this madness!

Anders Dahlvig a former CEO of IKEA has stated that he thinks that the Swedish Furniture Giant and Lord Protector of humanity against the slow death by hipsterfication is too big and should be broken up. Dahlvig states that the company is so big it is too slow to adapt to change and that its supply chain is not as nimble as he deems necessary. His suggestion is that they split the company into three, Europe, North America and Asia. It seems a logical one considering Ingvar Kamprad is in his eighties and he has three sons. One son could rule over North America, one in Europe and one in Asia. What about the Latin American stores? But that is not the biggest issue. Let us learn from history.

Charlemagne died, leaving his kingdom to his only son still alive, Louis the Debonaire. Louis the Debonaire did at least well enough, as one would expect from a man that is called the Debonaire. But he followed Frankish custom and split the kingdom between his three sons. Lothair became the king of Italy and co-Emperor. Pepin was made the king of Aquitaine. Louis the German was made king of Bavaria. (A little later he'd bring another son into the mix named Charles the Bald. Considering that he is called "the Bald" and not much else you can imagine how well he did as a ruler). The result was civil war and the eventual collapse of all that Charlemagne worked for. Disaster.

Pay attention Ingvar Kamprad! Do not split the empire. Pick the strongest of your sons and have him ascend to the throne. If you split the kingdom you will be too weak to fight the enemy. Had the empire not been split it is possible that the European Union would have more than mere monetary cooperation. If that were the case then we wouldn't have things like the Greek contagion to worry about. Rather we would have a strong and united Europe under the helm someone noble and valiant like Silvio Berlusconi or Dominique Strauss-Kahn. That would be ideal.

Sensational Shapers 2012 - Uniqlo

The fashion world has historically been dominated by a few cities. There are four big centers in the fashion world, London, New York City, Milan and Paris. London and Paris have been intertwined with London often anglicizing Parisian trends. New York City emerged as a fashion center in the 20th century. Milan reclaimed some of Italy's past glory in the eighties. Since then, many shops and designers have emerged to emulate these centers. Now that communication and images can so easily spread around the world, fashion shops tend to copy with greater speed and then tweak it to match their region's cultural tendencies. This has led to major competition with the four traditional fashion centers and other cities have emerged as fashionable in their own right. Places like Los Angeles, Rome, Chicago, São Paulo, Sydney, Barcelona and Tokyo all have some claim to fashion trendsetting.

For years fashion and power have gone hand in hand. The Sun King, Louis XIV pioneered high heels in his powerful reign. While men usually don't wear high heels anymore fashion still follows the power. In today's terms that means money follows the cash. As the United States is still, even in the rockiest of times, a place with unprecedented discretionary spending power fashion has made its way to the power.

Unfortunately, for the vast majority of us, basically only excluding those outside of haute couture and those that can afford to shop at Neiman Marcus, the fashion world has appropriated hipster styling. Minimalist chic and casual prêt-à-porter on a budget are so en vogue right now. In America this market has been dominated by three main shops. First, the homegrown store from Philly that we know is simply a front for world domination, Urban Outfitters. Then there is the Swedish store called H & M. Lastly, there is Zara, a Spanish outfit. Then there are a bevy of knock-offs and wannabes that follow suit. Now one of the minor fashion centers is exporting their hipster trendy wares to where the money is.

Uniqlo, a Japanese based hipster/hipster curious friendly boutique shop has had stores in Manhattan since 2005, but they have an aggressive strategy to increase their revenue in the United States (and in China). With effective marketing to an eager public Uniqlo is poised to become a household name in 2012 and really shake up the trendsters fashion shopping routine. However, the real reason that Uniqlo is a Sensational Shaper of 2012 is how they might aid or stop the growing threat of the United Republic of Urban Outfitters.

IKEA has been working diligently to stymie the U.R.U.O. Owls have sided with the enemy. Quebec has kept UO's unwanted advances at bay for now. As Uniqlo steps up it could tip the balance one way or the other. If Uniqlo were to form some sort of alliance with UO it would be disastrous. It is possibly that even so valiant a champion such as IKEA might not be able to stop the combined forces of evil. If that were to happen, IKEA might have no choice but to turn to the dark side for some help, the London based hipster hawker, Topshop. Stay tuned for more Sensational Shapers and keep your eyes on Uniqlo, they'll be making a big shake up in 2012.

As Urban Outfitters sinks, IKEA makes the war green!

We all know about the struggle for control of earth being waged between Urban Outfitters and IKEA by now. If you don't here's a quick recap. Urban Outfitters is looking to carve out a little piece of territory in Eurasia by acclimating us to look at their maps. From there, they plan on making everyone into controllable hipsters. But IKEA has vowed to stop them. Why is this important? Because if IKEA doesn't stop them they will force us all through mind control to do things we would rather snark at. In this war we know that Quebec can be trusted but Owls cannot. Well, Urban Outfitters has suffered a number of setbacks recently. Their CEO has stepped down. We however are not so optimistic as that link in thinking that UO's best days are behind it.

But, IKEA has stepped up its war efforts in a fairly unique way. We know they built siege towers out of scrap wood when they went to cardboard pallets. Now, they are going green! Up to 85% of American IKEA's will be covered by Solar Power. While this is awesome for the environment it makes me nervous. Could UO come out with some Bond villainesque scheme of turning off the sun's rays sapping IKEA of its power? UO is capable of quite a lot of control. Sun control may not be far off. Hopefully the search for a new CEO will stop some of this juggernaut's speed in world domination long enough for IKEA to get a kill shot.

Ikea is once again on the move to stop the United Republic of Urban Outfitters

There are many hipster and hipster curious types in Asia, especially in the Chinese middle classes and all over Japan. But, in India the country has yet to reach the point of cynicism required to mutate tweens and twenty-somethings that have taken a page out of Peter Pan's playbook of never growing up into the hipster that destroys community. Bollywood's brilliance and vibrance makes sure that people cannot sink to the level of depravity that creates hipster breeding grounds. It makes IKEA's decision to open in India an unique one then.

We all know that IKEA has given up the profit motive in order to save us from the impending evil that will come through the creation of the United Republic of Urban Outfitters. It made us ask why India? Why now? Well, India is outpacing much of the world in growth and it may soon knock the Chinese out of the number two spot in the game of Economic power simply by their enormous growth potential and a lack of state mandated family planning. With growth and the economic prosperity that often follows comes the natural tendency to become cynical and ironic to the point that a word cannot be uttered without a sarcastic hue blanketing the syllables. So IKEA is taking a preemptive strike against the possibility of UO making inroads into India. Hopefully through the power of Bollywood and IKEA this populous country will not fall prey to hipsterdom.

IKEA looks to stop the Hipsterification of Bulgaria

IKEA's store in Sofia, Bulgaria is only a few months old, having been opened in September of 2011. But it's 30,000 square feet of pure recruitment ground is paying dividends in the struggle against Urban Outfitters. But, nonetheless UO has gotten its hooks into young Bulgarians turning them hipster.

Gogol Bordello, a Manhattan based group (pictured above in the dirty hipster stash and grimy clothing) embraces Bulgarian traditions and gypsy stylings to give a hipster vibe that is popular amongst the hipsters in Bulgaria.

The Zydepunks, a New Orleans based group has commandeered traditional Bulgarian folk music, woven it with cajun and zydeco rhythmic gyrations and created hipster songs.

Unfortunately these American exports seem to be increasing UO's power inside of Bulgaria so IKEA must be extra vigilant. As if that wasn't bad enough, Sofia has its own hipster hot spot called "The Apartment". That's a picture of hipster scrawling at this place "where the cool kids hang out". IKEA has its work cut out for it in Bulgaria.

IKEA is building Siege Towers with salvaged wood!

In a smart move that continues to show the innovative genius of IKEA, the giant has switched its pallets from the old and tired wood to the new and modern corrugated cardboard. Fascinating huh? It makes the pallets significantly lighter and will result in a 10% reduction in shipping costs for the company, a savings of $193 million. Plus, they'll have all that leftover wood to erect giant siege towers for when they storm the evil empire's headquarters. All in due time my friends. All in due time.

IKEA is under attack in Belgium

It had been quiet in the post-holiday slump of the IKEA and Urban Outfitters war, but alas to the war we go. We know that IKEA has some strong allies in Quebec and Ottawa. We know that Owls have sided with UO. And we now know that Belgian restauranteurs are not to be trusted. According to these guys IKEA is under attack in Belgium on account of their deliciously discounted meatballs. Just thinking about it makes me long for some lingonsylt...

The story goes that Belgian restaurants are upset because of the price of IKEA's meatballs, which at €2.50 makes them even more appealing. The Belgian protestors claim that IKEA is serving up their meatballs at a price that is below cost in order to lure an unsuspecting public into their stores. This practice is illegal in Belgium. The restauranteurs claim that once people eat the inexpensive meatball they will look at restaurants as thieves. Au contraire, mon frère, the real thieves is UO! But, this is beside the point.

To counter IKEA's strategic meatball costs the restauranteurs have banded together and started to bus in 200 homeless people to feed them meatballs. They hope that the sight of the homeless will scare off customers and force IKEA to raise their meatball prices. In the antebellum world this would seem like normal Belgian waste of talent, after all this is the country that went over 250 days without a government. But, as we know the seriousness of Urban Outfitter's plans on world domination and IKEA's vow to stop it, this attack can't be ignorant of the times we live in. Stand firm IKEA. If they keep bussing the homeless in simply use your bathroom department to give them all hot showers. Put them in the blue jumpsuits of your back room workers and have them take a nap on your incredibly comfortable and uniquely modern couches. Win-win.

IKEA continues to protect us from Hipsters and the UO Domination

Marsden Park, New South Wales is rejoicing this day as they look back on the year 2011. According to the Rouse Hill Times. The building of IKEA is the 19th top story of 2011 for this suburb of Sydney. This comes as good news to all of us who rely on IKEA to stop the growth of the evil empire. It is especially good news for the Aussies in this dangerous time.

Down under hipsterdom items like nonprescription eyeglasses, ironic sweaters, handlebar mustaches and greasy hair are trends that are growing in popularity at an alarming rate. Cut Copy have toured throughout Australia spreading the gospel of rehashed Depeche Mode soundscapes with a bit of monotoned depression. If you are in the vicinity of Gisborne, New Zealand they played a concert there yesterday (today still where I am in the world). Be on the look out for listlessly meandering teens and twenty-somethings in skinny jeans and flannels driving back to the garage apartments at their parent's suburban two-story, four bedroom houses. You'll notice them because on the way home they'll be trying to turn the Gisborne Botanical Gardens into the world's greatest lomography studio in the world.

But, I digress. Today bears good, optimistic news. Aussies and Kiwis need not fret over the hipsters because IKEA is valiantly work to curb the growing prowess of the evil empire and stymie hipsterdom where ever it rears its ugly head. Congratulations Marsden Park. Welcome to the revolution.

On another positive note, I was scanning the Internet for IKEA sightings when I came across a gem on Kijiji. A man was looking to unload some top notch IKEA swag near Barrie, Ontario. He posted that he was selling an IKEA couch for $75 Canadian dollars. He said that the economic, yet minimalist classic worthy of any good post-modern artist was located in Utopia. Of course it is. Of course it is.

One step in the war against Urban Outfitters Je me souviens

IKEA has found a new ally, the province of Quebec. The province of Quebec refuses to accept shipments from Urban Outfitters. Je me souviens Quebec. Je me souviens.

IKEA is doubling up in Ottawa

According to these guys up in Ottawa, 2012 is the year for getting taller. That is something to look forward to for all of the little people of the world, especially Ken Jeong. Hopefully, with his impending growth he won't end up stuffed naked in any trunks ready to pop out on the big screen causing a searing pain in my eyes. The same guys who predict that 2012 will be a year of surging growth in hight have also assessed the year 2011 from the prospective of Ottawans.

Among the good news was that IKEA opened a store in Ottawa. Even better news, a second IKEA will be opening up in Ottawa in 2012 and is estimated to be about the size of three airports. This will give IKEA a 2-1 advantage over the evil empire that is Urban Outfitters. However, in disheartening news they also predict an Occupy IKEA scenario that could allow hipsters controlled by Urban Outfitter's IBM machines to slow the resistance against their domination plans. We all pray that this is only a doomsday scenario that will never come to fruition.

An assessment of the Urban Outfitters vs. IKEA war

Urban Outfitters has a 505,266 twitter army that dwarfs even the combined strength of IKEA's regionally based army. Point UO.

Urban Outfitters has 176 stores proper to IKEA's giant 316 spanning 38 countries. Point IKEA.

IKEA also dwarfs UO in employee size to a 4 to 1 ratio. Point IKEA.

At the moment it appears IKEA is well placed to check UO's growing power. However, if the hipsterification is complete enough too many people will be left unaware by the schemes of UO. Plus, UO has a terrifying ally in the owl. Owls can no longer be trusted, even ones claiming allegiance to Hogwarts.

IKEA seeks to check Urban Outfitter's growing power

In a shrewd move to pin Urban Outfitters down, IKEA has recently purchased land for the first IKEA store in Korea. They have purchased the land in Gwangmyeong and will look to have the store open by 2014. Hail IKEA! Save us from doom. Thanks to the Chosun Ilbo for this optimistic report. Gwangmyeong's location could give IKEA the chance to bring about the Elagabulus scenario for Kim Jong-un as well.

IKEA has come to save us from Urban Outfitters!

We first uncovered an Urban Outfitters plot to take over the world and published it here. Later, we found a possible methodology and wondered aloud, if there would come forth a knight in shining armor to save us from the clutches of the evil UO. It appears that our prayers have been answered by a driving force out of Småland. The Skogsra and Sjora have been called out from the woods and waters, respectively in such a show of force it will cause even the mightiest trolls at Urban Outfitters to fear. One can only hope for a soul as stout as Styrbjörn the Strong to emerge from the melee.

What am I talking about you may ask? As you recall, UO is bent on world domination. First by creating an entire population of hipsters, unable or unwilling to stand confrontation long enough and thus, so docile that enslavement will merely be sulkingly lamented rather than vigorously fought against. Second, UO is acculturating us to accept their cartographical skills by customizing them with butterflies and hipster-friendly emblems, slowly but surely carving out a small empire for themselves. Since we the hipster sheep will undoubtedly continue to buy only their maps, the gradual expansion of the United Republic of Urban Outfitters carved out of some Eurasian "stan" countries we've never heard of will become commonplace to us. By the time they have effectively mounted their way into Western European countries we have some vague name recognition of it will be too late as the hipsterification of the Western World will have been complete. With that backdrop in mind it was clear that we needed a corporation to fend off this naked power grab by UO. That corporation has appeared in the non-publicly traded (this is important to us 99%ers with no aspirations of reaching the 1%) company IKEA.

IKEA has decided to build a neighborhood in East London attracting to it IT and creatives to it. I wonder if they have any need for a stand-up philosopher, but I've digressed. Certainly, IKEA will not stand for some other corporation attempting to control all of the world. And since IKEA and UO both sell house furnishings there is no likelihood of some impending evil axis between the two. Thus, the great epic battle of the 21st century has begun. In one corner the evil empire, UO and the other, our champion and hero, the Swedish Hammer, IKEA.

Länge leve Sverige!

Long live IKEA!