We all need a bit of Cubism in our well-rounded lives

Hanover Line I-XXI

Last time we sold out on the Leibnizian Ramblings blog. We drew some pictures for the few people that decided to repost our blog posts. We'd like to thank the kind gentlemen that may or may not be our doppelgänger, otherwise known as our other email account. The stick figure cubism rendition of the famous Katz scene in When Harry Met Sally is on the way.

We however got on a topic that is near and dear to our hearts, Cubism. We think that we enjoy cubism so much because our residual mental image of ourselves is closely akin to Simeon the Great in the Statue known as the Monument to 1300 Years of Bulgaria. It is for this reason that we do not own any mirrors. But nonetheless, we are cubists at heart.

We all know the well-known Cubists or Cubists inspired artists (artists are generally even more opposed to labels than hipsters - in fact, it could be argued that Marcel Duchamp may actually have been a hipster). They include the incredible Pablo Picasso, Mexican artist Diego Rivera and Max Weber. Today however, we'd like to focus on the little known, but highly influential Lyonel Feininger.

Feininger was born in America but lived much of his life in Germany. Prior to WWII he studied in Germany and began to create important pieces of art. When the Nazi Party came to power his work was labeled Entartete Kunst (degenerate art). He came back home to New York and continued his work. Feininger passed into obscurity, at least in North America, because of his time in Germany. He passed away in 1956 and since then his work has not been displayed in its full breadth until now.

The Montreal Museum of Fine Arts is presenting a pretentious sounding "first posthumous retrospective in North America". We get it, art, like hipster has to sound grandiose. But let's break it down for the majority of us who want to experience art as a way of living a well rounded life and not the vocal minority that hopes to use art as a way of making others feel stupid. We here at the Leibnizian Ramblings would never condone such an act...

What is really interesting about this collection is that the full breadth of his work is being put on display. Feininger was more than just a painter. He was a cartoonist first. Then he did a lot of paintings. Then he did some sketching and engraving. Then he started to make engraved toys. He also tinkered with photography. The toys and the photography were never displayed in his lifetime, so seeing all of his work in one place will be a neat thing. Make the trek up to Montreal. Take in Feininger's art, a Canadiens game and eat some poutine. It'll be worth the go...

Oh by the way Feininger was an accomplished violinist and composer to boot.

Leibniz sells out and the science behind it

Hanover Line I-XX

Last time when we were perusing the mind that is the Hanover line of thought we spoke of a Lord of the Flies scenario involving boogers and playground slides. We were confident about the prospects of placing a cutesy photograph of a baby on it to generate income, we mean readership... We were right in our estimation. A lot of our posts recently have been focusing our attention on Search Engine Optimization, a technique used to increase readership and thus, profitability. Philosophy does not pay what it once did. There are no Holy Roman Emperors lining up to fill our pocketbooks these days and sadly, Paris has switched from philosophy to fashion. Therefore we have opted to sell out somewhat in order to eek out a living. Hence the donate button to the right.

By the way, if you have not donated a dollar to the cause of optimism then you are a pessimist. Pessimism is always a self-defeating existentially repugnant way of living. Do you want that label? We think not. Click the link and drop us a five spot so we can eat dinner tomorrow.

Back to our point about selling out. A new research has been financed to explain what part of the brain is active when people decide that profitability is more important than principles. Incredibly, even in this time of austerity this was probably financed indirectly or directly by some government. Remind us later to figure out how to write grants. We digress though...

People in this study were offered $100 dollars to sign a paper expressing the opposite belief that they held. More often than not they took the $100 bucks and moved on with their life. We here at Leibnizian Ramblings cannot hope to offer the same amount of money to finance such a study. However, we feel that we are good enough artists to offer you a sketch of whatever you would like in black and white or photoshop color if you sign a contract to repost fifteen of our blogposts. Our speciality is cubism recreations of current political figures or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle compilations depicting current events. Click on one of the advertisements and shoot us an email and photo evidence of your patronage and we will draw what ever you like in whichever style you like (so long as it, in a Henry Ford type of way, involves stick figures). Our drawings make great hipster tee shirts...

The Playground Politics of Boogers and Slide Towers

Hanover Line I-XIX

Last time on this expression of group comprehension we call the Hanover Line we discussed and dissected the growing anger in Wisconsin and the childish politics of the recall. If you will, the recall is similar to childhood games where a leader of a group of kindergartners emerges and ascends to the top of the swing set, usually the slide tower and announces his dominance. His ascendency is recognized as legitimate by a chorus of giggles and sing-songy responses. Then a disgruntled one who has not washed his hands after wiping the snot bubble from his nose announces it is unfair. He should be atop the swing set in the tower of the slide, the booger plastered to his cheek in between the nose and eye would say that he is unfit for the slide tower, but he does not notice that it is there. The child atop the slide tower announces no take backs, no anti-takebacks. The boogered belligerent child puffed up by his sense of entitlement received from constant coddling says "take backs, double stamp it". The use of the term double stamp enflames the crowd and suddenly everyone wants to be atop the slide tower. There is no more sing-songy chorus. There is no giggling. Just a hushing sound before the shrieking will commence. Chaos follows. The children below start pushing the friends of the child above. The child above yells down at the ones below. The boogered child relishes his chaos that he has caused. The rest of recess is wasted in an needless scrum and everyone returns to the classroom feeling unsatisfied. The teacher finally washes the booger off the cheek of the snotty rabble-rouser. The mental imagery was bothering me and I had to have it removed.

On a completely unrelated note the South Carolina Primaries are today. I'm going to the swing set.

Debilitating Divisiveness, Unwarranted Anger, Vitriolic Rhetoric, the usually Wednesday in Wisconsin

Hanover Line I - XVIII

Last time on the Hanover line we concluded our riveting three part series on the Mysterious Colleen without actually revealing who she was. We promise not to pull that ruse again in the near future because it was rather dull. We however did mention the Monad. The Monad is very dear to our hearts. Our Monadology though has fallen out of fashion because people dislike the name, unless you happen to be a middle-school boy, in which case it makes you snicker. But the idea that the world is made up entirely of an infinite number of substances in and how they operate and work with in relation to God has only fallen out of fashion because of the days in which we live in. The individualism that was spawned out of the Enlightenment and the devolution to the egoism of Protagoras is symptomatic of a morally bankrupt age and not a good renunciation of our incredible theory. However, readjustments to the Monadology are under work as we speak. Check back for more posts as we retool our principles to match modern day techniques in physics, mathematics, cosmology, political theory and cosmetological concerns. I can hear the baited breath from here.

But, we shan't toot our own horn as the egoist do. Rather we shall take the high road, from which we can look down upon our inferiors. It is at this moment I'd like to draw our attention to the state of Wisconsin. The Democrats there have begun to parade their signature list of over a million people to recall governor Scott Walker. I will offer a bit of full disclosure here, I think the notion of a recall in a well-functioning Democracy is overkill. There is a separate judiciary so if the guy has done something illegal a la Rod Blagojevich the prosecutors can step in a the judges can find him guilty and they can take the position away that way. Also, governors can only hold on for four years. There is enough checks and balances to the system already. Initiating a recall in a digital age is too easy because everyone is peeved at everybody and gathering enough signatures is too easy. So, I'm stating flat out that this whole idea of a recall for someone that hasn't done anything illegal is impatience at its worst. So in this case the Democrats are to blame. But in California not too long ago the Republicans pulled the same shenanigans to oust Gray Davis to put into power Arnold Schwarzenegger who did not have the strength to save California from terminating their own economy and political processes through endless referendums and ballot initiatives. Back to Wisconsin though...

The signatures are had but their is question over who would run against the humbled Governor Walker. According to this editorial there is little consensus over who will take on the Democratic Banner and ride to victory. While Governor Walker may be the object of scorn and divisiveness at which the recall is aimed, the most angry and rhetorically irresponsible party in this process is a guy by the name of Marty Beil (pictured). This guy has a propensity to use colorful language to deride those he perceives to have wronged him. Beil is the president of the AFSCME Council 24, a union for state workers. Beil described a democrat that went to work for Governor walker as a "purveyor of the world's oldest profession". He called a Democratic state senator a "whore, W-H-O-R-E, not a prostitute" when he wouldn't push through union contracts during a lame duck session. Now that Milwaukee Mayor Tom Barrett is looking as a possible candidate (he lost the initial race to Gov. Walker), Beil is balking. He states that Mayor Barrett is a "non-starter" because he had the gall to not play partisan politics and worked with Republicans from time to time to get things that were needed to be done. So there you have it folks. Politics and brinkmanship at its finest. The issues here don't really matter, just the admission of Beil and his way of thinking is enough to show the state of Wisconsin's politics. I'd like to offer some optimism, especially when you have been so recently humbled by the New York Giants, but frankly I cannot. The only course of action in Wisconsin is to put on some old Liberace albums and watch it burn from Eau Claire to Kenosha. Godspeed and good luck.

Who is this mysterious Colleen? Part III – The Finale

Hanover Line I-XVII

This is the third attempt after Colleen Clinkenbeard and the Colleen better known as Vitamin C and we are barely closer to our answer. We keep going at this through a diagnosis of exclusion much as we have seen our good friend House do, though with slightly less madness. Unfortunately, today will be no different in qualitative approach, only quantitatively shall we change. We love our methodologies and prefer to change when only absolutely necessary, which consequently is when our monads are moved by the great Monad. But let us press forward so that we can end this charade and unmask the mysterious Colleen.

While we feel for the WAG Coleen Rooney, we shan’t give her more than a single line in this blog.

Also, while we enjoy the leaping ability of Coleen Sommer and the incredibly 1.98 meters she leaped over in Durham back in 1982 we were not talking about her this time. Unlike Mrs. Rooney, she may deserve a blog post to her own. Sadly though, we shall forget about her as soon as we finish this senten

What happened? Where were we? Sorry we blacked out for a moment. Who is this mysterious Colleen if it is not Clinkenbeard, Ann Fitzpatrick, Rooney or what’s her name? Certainly it is not Colleen Rowley and her whistleblowing ways. Certainly it is not Colleen Lovemen and her Silver Buffalo ways. Certainly it is not…

I’ve tired of this line of thinking. I’ve exhausted the audience so intensely that I will not bore you with the revelation of who this mysterious Colleen is in reality.

Join us next time when we take on a topic that has nothing to do with this, nothing to do with Colleen and nothing to do with anything mysterious. We’ve played that card too many times.

Who is this mysterious Colleen? Part II

Hanover Line I-XVI

Sweet sixteen. Thus far we have done a celebrated fifteen contemplations. Now we move our attention on to the sixteenth of seventy deliberations before the thought experiment that is the Hanover Line shall be made anew in jubilee. But last time on the Hanover Line we asked, who is this mysterious Colleen? We came to the conclusion that it was most definitely not Colleen Clinkenbeard and her devotion to the destruction of the American cartoon. We did not however answer the question in any sort of affirmative way. Maybe we shall do better this time.

While it was not Colleen Clinkenbeard, it could have been Colleen Ann Fitzpatrick. Sadly though, it was not as we could not fully support Colleen Ann Fitzpatrick, better known as Vitamin C unless it was time to graduate. And even then, after eleven years of being subjected to “Graduation (Friends Forever)” every May being sung by poorly trained high school glee clubs has begun to wear on audio sensory to the point of craving deprivation torture. As we go on, we remember all these... No! We cannot bring ourselves to it.

This would be an entirely negative post had it not been for my dedication to bringing the optimism (which you can still receive in your email, just click) and for the fact that “Graduation (Friends Forever)” is a welcome sound when compared to the hideous Billy Joe Armstrong's “Time of your life”. Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial. What is this senseless scrawl? It was bad enough when Green Day performed it, but, come May every teenybopper trying to be the next Quinn is imitating the discordant and unintelligible words of that God forsaken song. It’s murderous on the ears. It is the awfulness of this song that has prevented our post about Colleen Ann Fitzpatrick from being entirely negative. Join us next time for the conclusion of Who is this mysterious Colleen? Part III, El Conclusivo.

Who is this mysterious Colleen? Part I

Hanover Line I-XV

Last time on the Hanover line we spoke about ice cream and delicious ice cream eateries throughout the United States. We also commented on hipster’s disapproval of ice cream and the ensuing paradox that that presents. But in our deliberations we posited a specific paragraph to a mysterious Colleen. So the naturally inquisitive mind will want to know who this Colleen is. Well, we can tell you most certainly who this Colleen is not.

It is certainly not Colleen Clinkenbeard, the voice actress that poisons our children’s minds with English dubbing of Japanese anime. The Japanese have exported a great deal of quality to America, however Colleen Clinkenbeard’s assistance to Japanese exportation of their cartoons is not one such item. In fact, Japanese animation or Japaninmation is an affront to the homegrown American cartoon industry. Besides, these cartoons are just awful.

Recently, Ms. Clinkenbeard worked on this one show entitled xxxHolic. American tweens and teens (and those older who still act like a tween) are drawn to this nonsense about a man becoming trapped by a magic shop because of the demons plaguing him only to have the shopkeeper die before granting his magical wish whilst going on through magical errands and becoming a time-traveling magician himself to fight off the sorcerers until he gains a reluctant immortality as the shopkeeper. Why Colleen? Why did you enable Americans to sink to this level of depravity?

How is this show even interesting? How is it better than Duke foiling Cobra Commander week in and week out? How is this better than Tweety consistently foiling Sylvester or the Roadrunner outpacing Wile. E. Coyote episode ad infinitum? These homegrown and wholesome cartoons teach our kids persistence. It teaches them that good always triumphs over evil. It teaches them that knowing is half the battle. But, what have we learned from xxxHolic? We learned that when demons plague you and the only way to get rid of them is to throw your lot in with an undying shopkeeper of magical proportions. I blame hipster for all of this and their longing for the authentic. Say no to Seinen Manga. Say no to Colleen Clinkenbeard and her anime.

Hipster paradox and the best ice cream in America

Hanover Line I-XIV

Last time on the Hanover line we discussed the goings on in the United Arab Emirates. There was a lot of those goings on. There was hashish. There was bullet trains. The was drive-in theaters in the middle of the dessert. And there was Cold Stone. It was that topic that got me thinking about ice cream and where to get the best ice cream.

By the way, why doesn't Hipster like ice cream?

In Upland, IN a sleepy little college town there is a place called Ivanhoes. They offer an hundred shakes and an hundred sundaes. Good stuff. Strawberry shortcake in season is the best. But, overall you have to get the tenderloin and onion rings. Period.

In Washington DC there is this place called Dolcezza Gelato. It's Argentinian gelato, not the ordinary Italian variety. Argentinians make it creamier. Go to the one in Dupont Circle. Then go read in Kramerbooks.

This one is for you Colleen. All American Classic Diner Home of the Stuffed Burger in Cedar City Utah has awesome soft serve. However, that's assuming that you can make it through a meal there without feeling too full for even the most delicious soft serve on the planet. (Sorry to my friends at Cliffs in Ledgewood, NJ. It beats the hitherto unbeatable Skyscraper). First you have to eat the stuffed burger. That's two pieces of fried bread surrounding a fried hamburger patty. Not even the geniuses of Epic Meal Time could top the calorie count in such a small portion. If you make it through that you'll be rewarded with hands down the best soft serve. The only drawback to this place is that for such a small town there is a disproportionate amount of hipsters. Worst still most of them are the younger, more aggressive kind known as scenesters.

Then there is Capogiro Gelateria in Philadelphia. It's kind of like Dolcezza but way more pretentious. You have to go there so whenever the topic of ice cream is broached in everyday conversation you can look down on people when they give you a quizzical and slightly disgusted look when you say the best gelato you've ever eaten is Sweet Potato and Pecan Praline. Tasty snobbery.

But overall the best ice cream in America is in Jackson, MI. A simple and quaint place called The Parlour. The Parlour serves up traditional American Fare and the best darn Banana Split you have ever feasted upon. While there is a lot of vintage chicness to the place you won't have to worry about hipster appropriating the place because hipster doesn't like ice cream.

So, why doesn't hipster like ice cream?

Ice cream is empirically verifiably cool. Hipster hates cool. Hipster assassinates cool. The only way to assassinate ice cream is to eat it. To assassinate the cool Hipster must ingest the cool. Ice cream is paradoxical to hipster. Hipster hates having the tables turned on him.

Arabian Nights with Cold Stone

Hanover Line I-XIII

Last time on the Hanover line of thinking we discussed some of the dilly-dally between hedge funds in Washington DC and powerful Emirate princes. Since we were in the region, we thought we might have a little look see all about the Emirates.

In Abu Dhabi residents are looking forward to the first ever appearance by the World Wrestling Entertainment show featuring John Cena and Chris Jericho. On a safety note if you are in the vicinity don't drink the 250 ml Vimto fruit drink, they're contaminated.

In Ajman officials are trying to make the city much safer for their residents. First, they imposed new safety regulations on the skyscrapers that host apartments. Second, they banned the breeding of wild animals in the home.

In Dubai we have gyms purporting to be a concentration camp for calories whilst using a picture of Auschwitz to advertise. Meanwhile some of the wealthiest in Dubai may busy for the next two hours trying to rack up a $100,000 bar tab.

In Fujairah they're wrapping up plans to bring the high speed train to town. Incidentally the four men caught with 22kg of hashish at the Fujairah border yesterday wish the train had been built earlier.

In Ras al-Khaimah they're working on building better economic ties with the US. Ever since the Cold Stone Creamery opened up American flavors have been in hot demand.

In Sharjah they're rolling out a new and more disciplined recycling plan to keep it green (so to speak, there's a lot of sand). Also they're in the habit of setting up drive-in movie theaters in the absolute middle of the desert for offroad enthusiasts.

In Umm al-Qaiwain some bad chocolates were seized when it was discovered that there was a whole bunch of larvae in the sweets. One woman was so mad that her husband had bought these contaminated chocolates she threw a frying pan full of hot oil at her husband.

So there you have it. If anyone asks you whats up in the UAE you can tell them, people are going the WWE and four-wheeling to the drive-in whilst choosing to drop an hundred large on some bubbly (no Mimosas - the juice is bad), looking for some hashish because none of its getting into the country, which could be potentially bad for the new munchies hotspot Cold Stone Creamery, incidentally which, is the only place you should eat chocolate.

Crooks and Sheikhs

Hanover Line I-XII

Last time on the Hanover think tank we had a little jaunt into Tampa's woes in the sporting world. So naturally we will continue our progression with the natural jump to private equity philandering in Abu Dhabi and a possible international incident. It's as natural as Sunny Delight Orange Substance. Delicious too.

Sheikh Seif Bin Zayed Al Nahyan, deputy prime minister of the United Arab Emirates and a member of the royal house of Abu Dhabi owns Emirates International Investments and has been working with Emerging Capital Partners, a Washington DC based trading company (sort of but it's technical and dull to write what they get into. If it's boring to write for me imagine how boring it will be for you to read. You can thank me by clicking on some links to the side right there. Go on, you're so close. It's probably something that you've been thinking about...) Anyway, shameless self-promotion aside, the American company had been investing the Sheikh's money in a fund that has just been pounded over the last year, losing 50%. So there was some disgruntled members of the fund and this caused some major fall out.

So basically it works like this. If I'm wealthy I pay into a fund and promise to invest "X" amount of dollars for the management company to invest. Then I have to make payments (like a salary) to the management company on time. I can then take the dividends from the investment to make money or pull my investment out with enough notice to the management. If I don't make those salary payments on time the company that manages the fund can penalize me up to the total amount that I invested.

ECB, the Washington DC company says that the Sheikh and his investment partners were late on payments 5 out of the 6 times. The Sheikh says this isn't exactly true. So the two companies got together in Paris last year to resolve some issues. The Sheikh was unhappy that his $40 million dollar investment was now worth only $20 million. ECB was unhappy that they weren't getting paid on time (roughly $1 million dollars ever 2 months or so). Some sort of agreement was reached in Paris though both sides tell different versions of the story. The Sheikh says he agreed to pay the last fee but that he and the other investors would be taking their money out and thus winding down the fund. ECB says that they only emphasized how important it was to pay on time. When the Sheikh (and other investors) discovered that their money was reinvested rather than paid out to them they cried foul. Then ECB came down with a hammer on the Sheikh and took the entirety of the Sheikh's investment because the payments were late. Technically that's legal. Basically ECB said you get nothing, good day sir.

Two things. The Abu Dhabi has more money than Solomon so losing $40 million isn't going to cause them too much financial strain. That said, it's irrelevant. Ok, now my two things.

1) That this is legal tells you some of the reason why people are upset with companies like ECB. I understand that these companies have to ensure timely payments in order to have the best staff to manage this amount of money but come on. You can't really morally justify taking $20 million dollars from anyone for being late on a payment.

2) That ECB would go to this route beggars all belief. The payments to these guys are astronomical. $1 million dollars to manage $40 million is 2.5% of the investment - not a huge number but not small either. And while this isn't sympathy these traders do take on high risk, high stress jobs and have gone through extensive training and education. They deserve good salaries. But when you are paid that amount of money to steal $20 million dollars, albeit legally. You're not engendering yourself very well to an already hostile public and political environment. Plus, you're wealthiest investors over the twenty years are going to be Middle Eastern, Russian, and Chinese moguls. You've just lost that market.

The solution here is simple. The financial markets have to be told that you can't steal people's money. Cap the amount on penalties to a percentage not approaching the better side of 10% for penalties. Repeat offenders can feel the heat by penalizing them slowly. However, don't choke the investment business with undo regulations because the free market will do a good enough job snuffing out the crooks like this.

Sheikh Mansour, Jerry Jones and a rough week for Tampa

Hanover Line I-XI

Last time on this bullet train that is the Hanover line we did a whistlestop tour of the Iowa Caucuses preview. See what I did there? Train, whistlestop, the Pauls did a self-titled whistlestop yesterday in Iowa... I'm proud of the quip. We also mentioned the Republican Convention, which is being held in Tampa this year. It got us thinking about Tampa. It's been a rough week for Tampa in the sport department

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers fired their head coach Raheem Morris this week after going 17-31 over the past three years. Even some of the players mentioned that it wasn't all the coaches fault. We shouldn't expect a Jim Harbaugh to come in and completely revitalize the program. It's going to be a rough ride for awhile. The Rays star Evan Longoria has had to fight off twitter rumors that he wants out or is otherwise disgruntled. The one bright spot in Tampa sports is that the Lightning have been on a three game winning streak, putting them back at .500 for the season. Thanks to the Lightning's mediocracy, Tampa is not all bad this week in the sports world.

On a tangentially related note, the Glazer family, who owns the Buccaneers have announced that money will not be an issue in looking for a new coach. Alex Ferguson may however cautiously remind us that the Glazers are not Sheikh Mansour and his entourage. In gridiron terms, Glazer ain't Jerry Jones, who might be looking for a coach soon too.

Iowa Poll Results, Romney on top, Descartes beating Leibniz...

Hanover Line I-X

Last time on the Hanover Line we spoke of the unfortunate consequences of capitalist swine in the electric auto industry. It has caused the 99% to throw their arms up in disgust and protest in vague and disgruntling fashion. But, in the thought discussion that is the last brilliant post we spoke of how Mitt Romney was criticized for criticizing the electric car that 88.745% of the 99% really don't care for. As this is an election year in America we thought it was only fitting to start off 2012's continuation of the Hanover line with a presidential hopeful. Notice the absence of "historic" before election year in the previous sentence. Let's face the reality that every election has historical ramifications and cut out the redundancy of claiming every election year to be an historic one.

Mitt Romney is now polling as the winning candidate just ahead of the Iowa caucuses. According to the Des Moines Register's final poll, Romney leads at 24%, followed by Ron Paul with 22%, Rick Santorum with 15%, Newt Gingrich with 12%, Rick Perry with 11% and Michele Bachmann with 7%. Obviously our posting on Michele has not created much of a surge. Apparently, and to my great sadness, readership of is low in Iowa as many prefer Cartesian Clambers to Lebnizian Ramblings. However, just as Romney has done, it is possible for old Leibniz to make an improbable comeback.

In a political season that has seen the right end of the spectrum weighing down the Republican party and causing an opposite and equal reaction in the Democrats shift leftward, it is a surprise that Mitt Romney is continuing to poise himself for the nomination. Mr. Romney's moderate stances on many issues will not engender him to the raucous Tea Party base, but it does make him more electable in the general election. If Mr. Romney can eke out a win over the steady, but probably maxed out Ron Paul and hold off any of the recently trendy surges by the anti-Romney candidates he should win both in Iowa and New Hampshire. This would set him up nicely for the convention in Tampa. As 2012 grows to maturity we will look to counter the inevitable negativity that will come from every corner with a heavy dose of optimism. Stay tuned and Happy New Year.

Tizzy Time for Everyone.

Hanover Line I-IX

Last time we talked about the regular availability of all those stun guns to the public and police and the wondrous results that have followed accordingly. All this thought of electricity made me think of the Chevy Volt. After that passing moment I forced myself to think of it again. It led me to look at a number of electric cars and I found myself intrigued. I indulged my intellect for a short while and have gained some cursory knowledge and formulated some opinions I would like to share with you. After all, this is the Internet and sharing opinions, regardless of their merits is what we do.

First, we'll discuss the Chevy Volt. Recently the 2012 Chevy Volt's reputation has taken a hit. A Volt burst into flames at a graveyard owned by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. This sent all the naysayers to fly up into a tizzy. The problem with the initial reaction from the public is that the car's battery caught fire two weeks after the NHTSA had subjected it to its testing. And by testing I mean smashing it from every angle imaginable. So, if this was the real world the people who had been driving would have had to have been battered by a truck from the rear, a full-sized car on the passenger side, a semi on the front and a minivan on the driver's side. If they had survived this quadruple attack in the intersection from hell they would have had to have been left in the car for weeks to have been impacted from the potential fire.

In other Chevy Volt news, Mitt Romney is being criticized here at Forbes for slamming the Volt. Mr. Romney called the Volt, "an idea whose time has not come". This sent other people to fly into another tizzy. So there was tizzies to be had by electric car opponents and proponents. Don't worry neutrals you can have your tizzy in a second. Numerous people criticized Mr. Romney for criticizing an American idea made by Americans to get Americans off foreign oil. The Romney camp countered, saying that he was only commenting on the slow sales of the Volt. The thing I was initially most struck by though was the normally conservativish leaning Forbes hitting Mr. Romney pretty hard. However, upon further inspection I realized that the article had been written by a contributor from the Mother Nature Network. That made more sense.

Now for all of the Chevy Volt neutrals who were not sent into a tizzy by its explosive capabilities or by it being criticized I have found an article that can make everyone, or at least the 99% get all tizzified. The Fisker Karma is a luxury electric car that sells for over $100,000 dollars making it inaccessible to most individuals today. However, each of these cars is subsidized by the American government for $7500 dollars of tax payer money. Thus, all of us who pay American taxes are subsidizing a luxury car. If that wasn't bad enough the Fisker Karma is built in Finland. So much for reducing our dependency on other countries. I can hear your teeth grinding from here. But, if you are unconcerned over these things and think that it is a price worth paying to protect the environment, think again. The Karma uses rescued California wildfire wood in its interior. The species of bugs who thrive on that stuff are being exploited for the sake of luxury. Irresponsible capitalist pigs!

Don't taze me bro.

Hanover Line I-VIII

Last time on the Hanover line we discussed a naked runner being stunned in Cincinnati, OH. As painfully fun as that was I decided that more research was needed on the stunning of people with electricity to create safety for the public.

First, I looked into how to acquire a stun gun to see how easy it was. Thanks to the ease the Internet offers us I was able to type "stun gun" into eBay and find over 3500 offerings ranging from $1 - $825. At this discount 100% of the 99% can afford it, making the streets incredibly safer for us all.

Second, I looked into the usage of stun guns by police offers. There was always an uproar over their usage. In one a man who had led the police on a forty-five minute high speed chase was zapped when he refused to comply with police after they had stopped him and lunged at the police officer. He is now suing the city police force for excessive force and emotional trauma. Never mind that he was just convicted for his fifth DUI offense in eight years. He'll probably win the case. Another instance that just happened where a man doped up on bath salts was squeezing his six month year old son to the point of the child screaming in fear and pain. It took six shots to bring the man down after he endangered his son's life. I smell blood in the water, call me for representation.

Third, I found a story where two men who had purchased stun guns legally used them to rob two restaurants. I'm feeling safer already. They're lucky they didn't try to stick up a zombie restaurant!

Optimistic Cleveland and Naked tasers

Hanover Line I-VII

Last time on the Hanover line of thought stream we talked about the possible scenarios of Kim Jong-un and dangerous neighborhoods worth braving for pizza. Upon further reflection this post was much too negative for my liking. You have my sincerest apologies for being so un-optimistic.

Therefore we shall move to a more pleasant minded conclusion in Cleveland, OH. According to the Cleveland Plain Dealer most of the news was about people doing wrong things and getting arrested for it. My initial thought was, with all of these headlines I could have simply wrote, it can only get better from here Cleveland! But, I finally found one story worth the optimism that I hope to spout.

A couple of blokes were reported to be streaking around University Heights. These two men were reportedly sprinting around the way, in the buff. How is this optimistic? It could've ended much worse, like for the guy in the Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon. Brett Henderson was tased by police for public indecency and obstruction of official business and was unable to complete the marathon. Cleveland, at least you aren't Cincinnati!

The succession of Kim Jong-Il at Georgio's Oven Fresh on East 55th street in Cleveland, OH

Hanover Line I-VI

Last time on the glorious Hanover line of thought we spoke of suburbanite indoctrination by evil corporate geniuses at Urban Outfitters. Moving from the glacial pace of UO's propagandism towards a high-speed one, we move from Philadelphia headquarters to Pyongyang. Recently, Kim Jong-il, the supreme leader of North Korea passed away. While he is still being mourned in North Korea and other places like Tehran, Mogadishu, and Scovill Avenue in Cleveland, OH, the rest of the world now focuses on Kim Jong-un, the Great Successor in North Korea and his impending control of the country. On a side note, while Scovill Ave may be the second most dangerous neighborhood in America according to these guys, I must say the risk is well rewarded when ingurgitating some subs at Georgio's around the corner on East 55th street (as Kim Jong-un has been wont to do). But, moving back to our topic...

At this time of great peril, I think that we ought to look at some succession scenarios for the young lad Kim Jong-un. In random order I give you some succession scenarios:

The Elagabulus scenario: Kim Jong-un could come to power and follow Elagabulus' order of business. He could replace the religion of North Korea and become its high priest whilst hosting dinner parties using whoopee cushions for entertainment purposes. When that proves to be futile he can declare a popular figure to be dead to gauge reaction from the masses and the generals. Sadly for Elagabulus this ended in his and his mother's death at the hands of the Praetorian Guard.

The Charles VII route: Kim Jong-un, a leader of a divided Korea looks fairly similar. Charles VII did not have control over much of France at the beginning of his reign and controlled neither Paris, the capital, nor Reims, where the kings of his family were crowned. Later in his reign he lost control of his empire to his son, which eventually caused him to grow mad. He died lonely in his death bed while his reign was overshadowed by a woman.

The Emperor Modi line: Kim Jong-un, whose kingdom is suspiciously close to the descendants of the Mongols could opt for this route, though he already has about a half a week on old Modi. Modi, the last of the Jin dynasty was crowned during the Mongol attack, but was killed 20 minutes later.

The Sayid Khalid bin Barghash of Zanzibar route: Kim Jong-un could spark a 38 minute war with an international superpower and be deposed, resulting in a life on the lam only to return home to die peacefully.

All of these options are open to Kim Jong-un, or he could be like his father and be a parasitic vulture and continue to cripple millions of North Korea. His choice.

Come, come, we don't play guitar.

Hanover Line I-V

Last time on the Hanover Line we spoke about the voxpop of hipsterdom. So, this week comes some news to brighten any hipster, closeted hipster or hipster curious human being, which is incidentally anyone who has purchased something from the evil genius that is Urban Outfitters or decried UO as a bastion of plastic, suburbanite indoctrination (every American between the ages of 15-33 falls into one of these categories. Hipsters love and hate UO. Love, because of their product lines. Hate, because of their mass production tendencies. Hipster curious loves UO because of its mass production and relative ease of purchase. Some like the ideas of hipsterism, just not the prerequisite of shopping at difficult to find thrift shops.)

However, at the risk of losing all of my well worked indie cred by picking on hipsters I have just popped in the lossless of Max Alper's untitled improvisation. He's so damn deck he doesn't even have a wikipedia article.

As I was saying before I was sidetracked by my needless explanations and qualifications and the self aggrandizing homage to musical genius, a voice has arisen out of the hipster kingdom that is Williamsburg, Brooklyn only to retreat back into the murky shadows of places like the Trash Bar, which I knew back when it was Luxx. (Hipsters and hipster curious will understand my glee at knowing a dive bar that hosts under appreciated musical talents before anyone else).

The Suzan just played a show at the Big Snow Buffalo Lodge where they announced their coming in the most riveting girl-powered sonicscape since Chicks on Speed told us that they don't play guitars. Check them both out. They will probably save your life.

A lamentable haircut, Donald Trump, and the Urban Outfitters' Conspiracy.

Hanover Line I-IV

It appears that Norris Cole has cut his House Partyesque hair, thus ruining my hopes for a renaissance of Kid N' Play records. I'll simply devote a few hours tomorrow to my corner shrine.

On the topic of parties, it appears as though the GOP has lost Donald Trump, who has reregistered as an independent. In other and totally unrelated news, the GOP has gained much of the credibility they had lost over Boehner's miscalculation on the House Republicans payroll tax showdown.

Still concerning parties, there has been a rash of ugly sweater and turtleneck parties in recent Christmas seasons. For any Beltway insiders, there is one in your neck of the woods going on right now until 11 PM. I have to admit I'm all for sarcasm, satire and lowbrow jokes. I'm even for ruthless mockery and self-deprication, a staple of these parties. However, I find these Ugly Christmas Sweater parties to be nothing more than an excuse for hipsters to commingle with people who secretly want to be hipsters. It is this commingling that has me worried about the growing power of Urban Outfitters, Inc.

Urban Outfitters may model itself as a hipster/hipster-curious hot spot for fashion, accessories and entertainment, but what they sell with their wares are ideals and controls. Ideals that state that not only is it ok to be countercultural, that to be noncountercultural is in fact, countercultural. This anthropogenesis of the androgynous authenticating abstraction is absurd and arid. In other words, a hipster can be laughed at and generally ignored because while he may claim some vox-pop, hipsters generally can't stand being in large groups for long enough to create any lasting idea or movement. Hence, the control.

If this was all UO was doing successfully than we could simply ignore them. However, what UO is doing is as sinister as it is ingenious. By creating generations upon generations of hipsters, UO will render the willpower of men and women to be so weak that these wolves in sheepskin can finally come out and devour all of us with their vapid and vicious soul-crushing consumerism. They've already started to acculturate us to the idea of them redrawing the map in a "personalized" way (see picture). Pretty soon we'll simply defer to UO for real map redistricting since they'll promise to make sure to evenly spread out the butterflies amongst us.

Capitalism 3 - Art 1.

On a more optimistic note, Merry Christmas.

Kid Coolout and the protests that matter

Hanover Line I-III

Last time we talked about protests and tax loopholes in the wunderbar Hanover Line of thought. Today we continue that line of thinking with protests, leaving taxes aside for more studious times. In terms of protesting we have a lot going on in the world today. People are protesting all over the Middle East for better lives and losing their own in the process. Syria is the latest in the Arab Spring to see violent clashes. The Occupy movement, though seemingly losing steam still exists as the 99% battle against the 1% to claim wealth in the land of plenty. Russians are protesting rigged elections. The military junta in Burma still has to deal with dissidents and China have all sorts of protestors trying to shake hands with the likes of subversives like Christian Bale. But this protestor is my favorite of the week.

Micky Arison, the owner of the NBA's Miami Heat cast a protest vote against the collective bargaining agreement recently agreed upon to stop the NBA lockout because he felt that having to share revenue with big market clubs is unseemly. Forgive my crudeness on this assessment, but I find this to be a little interesting. It was his purchasing power that sort of started the whole mess in the first place. While there are admittedly all kinds of equity issues raised in revenue sharing among professional sports it was his creation of a superteam that sent the NBA into a sort of frenzy that culminated in a lockout. Of course greed on both sides can be condemned with good conscious, but it is downright laughable that the guy who brought together LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Norris Cole's House Partyesque hair cut together is complaining about the CBA. His poaching of James and Bosh from small markets (Cleveland and Toronto respectively) with the acquisition of iconic hairdos from the early nineties shows that he and his team are among the major markets. Plus, Miami is the eighth most populated county in the US. How is this a small market?

Whatever, I'm just happy that Kid Coolout has a voice in the world of sports again.

Constant defense and Payroll tax

Hanover Line I-II

With all this talk of chicken tax and irony and more tax it got me thinking about governance and politics. Specifically, American governance and politics. Incredibly, a two-party system designed to check and balance each other is working by checking each other. The bicameralism is even working really well right now with House Republicans blocking the Senate. Fair play to the defensive maneuvering! Cheers.

However, while I'd like to be optimistic about the incredible defense we have seen in the past year by both sides of the aisle I have to admit that it has all been rather dull and unimaginative. Democrats propose one thing, Republicans block it, Democrats get angry and complain loudly. Republicans propose another thing, Democrats scoff and block it, Republicans cry foul. There's little agreement on any topic these days in Washington, which is fine. We should have these debates. Single party domination has never worked. Just ask the continually growing China. Their united front has not worked one bit.

Poor tasting jokes aside though, the recent blocking of the payroll tax extension by John Boehner and company in the House after the Senate passed it 89-10 is incredible for all the wrong reasons. The argument that the two month deal simply pushes the problem down the road to be dealt with later is 100% true. By only passing the two month deal the American government will have to deal with it again, in two months. However, if anyone truly believes that is why they are going this course they are not doing their due diligence as concerned American citizens. The move is completely political, meant to bend the left side of the government to their whims.

The political and economic environment of the times demands short-term fixes. Of course, a one-year deal is better suited to the American public because it provides stability. However, a two-month deal is infinitely preferable to no deal at all. When constant posturing and political maneuvering replaces actual governance the legislative branch must accept temporary deals. Unfortunately, many of the Tea Party Republicans are showing a lack of wisdom. Compromise in methodology is not a compromise in ideology. Everyone agrees on this one, left, right and center - the payroll tax needs to be extended to help Americans. In this climate, temporary fixes might be all that is achievable. That's pragmatism. Anyone remember it?

All this blame however should not be shouldered by House Republicans. The disagreements go too far now and politics has become increasingly nasty. I wonder though if politics has always been this nasty but because of the internet more people have a forum. 295 years ago I, a famous and well-versed philosopher would have the ear of all of Europe, but would the mere blogist (I understand that the term is blogger, but I think blogist has a better ring to it)? Everyone can comment on everything now and spew unthoughtful responses at the speed of their typing fingers. But, this digression distracts me from the task at hand, heaping coals upon the heads of the legislative branch of the United States. Where was I?

Oh yes, the House Republicans are not the only one to blame in this. While this obstructionism is coming from them this time the response of many Democrats has not been helpful. Why are the Democrats and Republicans unable to get along and work out legislation these days? Because they are too busy with populist demagoguery. This is a populist move to drum up anger in the Tea Party wing of the Republican base. Unfortunately though the loss will be for people of all bases...

However, all this negativity is nonsense. Eventually, the tactic will work or fail. Because of the importance of this tax break the extension will happen. Then both sides will take credit for pushing the deal through and we'll throw a parade. Undoubtedly, somebody will protest the parade. In a strange and ironic twist though, the protesters will then be occupied by other protesters. In all of this active protesting there will be a lot iPod, iPad and Android app creation dealing with the measuring of angst and depression. Somebody will pick up on this and get funded to do research on the connection between legislative gridlock and seasonal depression. Researchers will pay people to participate in the study, pumping money into the economy. Drug companies will design the correct drug for the condition, creating jobs, thus pumping money into the economy. Lawyers will sue the drug company for creating a drug with a unreported side-effect, creating wealth and most importantly distracting the American public from the continuing political stalemate in Washington. A win for everybody!