Zombie Capitalism

It is the year 2012 and apocalypse is on the lips of everyone. Whether the end comes from the ancient Mayans, street corner preachers like Harold Camping or Zombies, eschatology is making a nice showing this year. Now, ingenious capitalists are looking profit from your fear.

The Zombie Apocalypse store in Las Vegas has all of your end of the world needs covered. It has bullets and machetes. It has do it yourself videos for sale. It has a gourmet food section so you can fill your bunker in case of the grim end. It also has gold and silver for where the currency markets implode in the wake of zombie pressure. One can never have enough bullion in the house for our liking. Maybe you want to make a fashion statement out of everyone's misery? It's got you covered with zombified Hello Kitty apparel. Basically, the Zombie Apocalypse store is the end all, be all you need. Don't wait until the end though or it will be like trying to shop at Walmart right before a major snowstorm hits the Midwest. There will be long lines of hoarders selfishly guarding enough milk to pour in a thousand saucers and so much bread that everything will be stale before the snow even melts. Which reminds us, why in the world do we go for only bread and milk if we truly think we're going to be snowed in for weeks? Is that really what humans need to survive?

Zombies with apps. Yikes!

We shall be forthcoming about one of our most sensitive issues. We struggle with late night eating. The fact that it is 11 pm where we are currently writing makes this all the more telling. If we stay up much longer to post, we shall fail in our diet and eat a late night snack. Thank goodness though we are not in Des Moines, Iowa. Not only are we thankful we are not in Des Moines, Iowa because of the late snack buffet, but because Des Moines, Iowa is Des Moines Iowa. It simply is not a hot spot for intellectual activity. We mean no offense to the residents of Iowa, but the caucuses are done and your moment in the spotlight is over. See you again in 2016.

But, we have a soft spot for late night snacking. Thank goodness we are not in Des Moines because they have to contend with Zombie Burger. We are a sucker for a good burger. The best is Carrito Moshe in Jarabacoa, Dominican Republic, but they closed an hour ago. We have nothing but vegetables and pasta here in the apartment. We don't crave vegetables and we are too lazy to make pasta. We designed it this way. Also we had our own little Epic Meal Time adventure last night with some friends and shan't eat for a week to recover from the caloric intake.

Zombie burger would be your regular run of the mill Midwestern food joint had it not been for their innovation. They have come up with an app that has aided their business. We are envious. While we may have invented infinitesimal calculus independently from the English thief, we simply do not understand android programming well enough to produce a Leibnizian Ramblings blog app. But, in addition to streamlining the crowded experience, Zombie Burger hopes to bombard its app users with promotional offers through their ingenious app technology. We on the other hand have to troll the web to look for places we can spam. If only we had the knowhow to create an app or the direct line with Steve Jobs we once had.

Zombies to take over the World Bank

There have been a notable number of zombies in the world. Frankenstein was technically a zombie. Michael Jackson did a little number as a zombie. Jenna Jameson was a popular zombie stripper. According to Beavis and Butthead, Kristen Stewart might be a zombie. There have been zombie stocks like Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac wreaking havoc during the Zombie frenzy of the 21st century. We've profiled Icelandic Zombies not named Björk or the swan around Björk's neck. We've even wondered aloud if Norv Turner may in fact be a zombie. Now we have to deal with a Zombie taking over the World Bank.

Larry Summers is an economist that pushed forward deregulation policies during the Clinton Administration that helped lead to the financial meltdown. He commented in a leaked email that dirty industries should be moved to developing countries, something that should derail a public figure faster than Dominque Strauss-Kahn could be undone by a scandal. But, Summers appears to be undead. Unlike a Vampire who can be killed by stake through the heart, Summers could easily survive this. No one can advocate for moving pollution to impoverished areas for the sake of economic gain could possibly have a heart. An unbeating heart should be a telltale sign of something amiss. Silver bullets, normally needed to take down a werewolf would only become tools in an economist hands, unless of course there is a silver bubble burst like happened in 2011... Thus, we can only assume that Summers is a zombie.

So how can one prevent a zombie from coming to power in so powerful of a financial position as head of the World Bank?

We could maybe organize a protest and espouse our anger without detailing any real solutions. That can cause a stir and a media frenzy, but our friends in Zuccotti Park might tell us that this is quixotic task.

We could maybe destroy the World Bank by robbing it of its resources. This would be difficult, but a blueprint exists. Have you ever seen Swordfish? That might work, but Hugh Jackman might be unavailable with his busy broadway schedule. We for one, are excited about his Houdini act. Besides, he's too flirty with NYC's finest to be bothered.

Since that is out, the only thing we can do is maybe offer him a more lucrative position in a financial firm. Wal-Mart surely is too big to fail. Or maybe, since Urban Outfitters is looking for a new CEO and we hope to see the imminent destruction of UO before they can do real harm it can only be hoped that he could slide into that role and cause a bit more of implosion... But that may just be too optimistic.

Eirik's Saga, some boob action, zombies and a short treatise on time. What more could you ask for?

This is our second literature post and we've decided to stick to Viking sagas. Why? Well because The Vinland Sagas/The Norse Discovery of America has two tellings. The first is the Grœnlendinga Saga, which we already summed up and gave some thoughts on. The second is Eirik's Saga, which is what we're about to deliberate on. Eirik's Saga and the Grœnlendinga Saga are pretty similar in content and relate basically the same story. But, there are some contextual differences and some clear differences in what is emphasized. Both are probably idealized histories to be taken with a grain of salt, but shouldn't be dismissed out of hand either. We'll eventually get around to posting about some of the real life characters and historicity of the sagas, but don't set a calendar out for this post's arrival. It may be decades before we get to it. One thing I miss about existing upstairs is the absence of time. Bad Religion once commented, "eternity, my friend is a long f*ing time". But they were wrong. It is not a long time, it is beyond time.

On to the saga. Eirik's Saga begins with the story of Aud the Deep-Minded, one of the best monikers around. She is married in Dublin but events force her on to the Hebrides and eventually to Orkney. Then the story of Eirik the Red begins in a way that is slightly more detailed than the Grœnlendinga Saga, but eventually sees him in Greenland. It then goes on a tangent to tell of Gudrid, a lovely woman who has many pursuers. Gudrid is pursued by a low birth, wealth merchant. When it is suggested to her father that Gudrid marry the low born man named Einar, Gudrid's father up and leaves Iceland for Greenland. On his voyage from Iceland to Greenland a lot of the explorers and would-be settlers die of disease. But, some of the party eventually make it to Greenland.

On Greenland a terrible famine is breaking out so the people call out a pagan prophetess to see when the hard times will end. The prophetess asks everyone if they know some songs to enhance the spell. Only Gudrid knows the songs but she is unwilling to sing them as she is a Christian. However, she is pressured into singing the songs and it works. The prophetess then prophesies for a number of people, including Gudrid.

About this time Eirik the Red has a couple of sons growing up to be promising young dudes, Thorstein Eiriksson and Leif Eiriksson. Thorstein stays in Greenland with his pops and Leif travels to Norway to live with King Olaf Tryggvason. On his way though he's blown off course and has a child to a woman named Thorgunna in the Hebrides. When Leif makes it to Norway, King Olaf persuades him to go back to Greenland to preach Christianity, which he does. But on his way back he discovers Vinland by accident.

Meanwhile Thorstein Eiriksson ends up marrying the pagan song-singing Christian Gudrid. Gudrid and Thorstein end up moving about the country and settling nearby Eirik the Red. Then the strange stuff begins to happen. Disease breaks out and a bunch of people die. Sigrid, the wife of Eirik dies. Sigrid is important to the Christian world because she built the first church in Greenland; it was found in 1962 during excavation, proving a lot of Eirik's Saga that was once thought to be propaganda. But, Sigrid's corpse decides to come back to life and goes for Thorstein. It continues in this zombie fashion until Eirik buries an axe in his wife's corpse. Thorstein ends up dying and his corpse comes back to prophesy to Gudrid, his widow.

Then a pretty wealth dude named Thorfinn Karlsefni comes onto the scene in Greenland and stays with Eirik. Karlsefni ends up marrying Gudrid. When the winter ends Karlsefni takes 160 men and goes to Vinland where they try to explore and settle. During this experience a brute of a man named Thorall the Hunter prays to Thor and proclaims Thor's superiority to Christ. Thorall ends up splitting from the group to a brutal death in Ireland. Karlsefni goes on to greatness because of his commitment to Christ.

But, the road isn't easy for Karlsefni. When famine strikes in Vinland the settlers pray to God, "then they prayed to God to send them something to eat, but the response was not as prompt as they would have liked". Karlsefni goes on to make contact with the Native Americans in Vinland and does battle with them, prompting Karlsefni to leave. Karlsefni then does battle with a Uniped before returning home to Greenland to produce no less than three important Bishops in his progeny.

In some way's Eirik's Saga is more compelling than the Grœnlendinga Saga because of the mystical and magical properties. In other ways it seems more outlandish. But, if you liked the Grœnlendinga Saga you will like Eirik's Saga. If you didn't like the Grœnlendinga Saga then you won't like Eirik's Saga. As always, I prefer Penguin Classics because of their in depth background checks and minimalistic yet classy covers.

The Zombie Lady Liberty

Egads. There have been a number of representations and misrepresentations of Lady Liberty over the years for political and other purposes. Once again the 99% have come back to Zuccotti park because you cannot barricade an idea whose time has come. While it may be appropriate to ask what exactly that idea is outside of standing around being angry at everyone with no aspiration for anything other than to feel angry we shall not engage in that debate at the moment, rather we will mock it with a smugness and carry on. Later we will apologize.

But, the Occupy Protestors are back at Zuccotti park brandishing a hideous and zombified Lady Liberty. The symbolism is somewhat lost on me. Is it because the corporate world has turned the American dream into a zombie? If that is the case then have we made the zombie the hero because it is supposed to eat the brains of the bankers? If so then that is one dystopian Frankenstein motion picture I want no part of. But, the sight of a zombified statue of liberty made us think of the many ways that Lady Liberty has been represented and/or debased throughout the years.

One of my favorite stories is when the US Postal Service mistakenly took a photograph of a cheap replica in front of Las Vegas casino and put it on a stamp. We have all seen the obligatory and obscene renditions of when one can see up the lady's skirt, there is no link forthcoming. Here is an odd one of Vladimir Putin as Lady Liberty. We have also seen one where lady liberty has put down her torch and grabbed her face in apparent shame. These are found on Republican blogs during Democratic presidencies and Democratic blogs during Republican presidencies. I'm sure if you look hard enough you'll find it. There was also a number of renditions of Lady Liberty tearing up around 9/11. That was touching. Less so was when she was brandishing the dismembered head of a terrorist in an act of revenge. We probably have also seen the ones where Lady Liberty is holding a favorite adult beverage, be it a beer, wine or spirit. I find the ones where she is holding an import beer ironic. Here is one where she is double fisting, not an alcoholic beverage, but a double dose of liberty. Here she is kissing Miss Justice in an ode to gay rights. But this last one probably sums up about how you are feeling right about now in reading this sad and jaded post. Ahh Apathy, the new flavor of America.

But, we cannot leave on a pessimistic note. That simply would not be our style. We joke a lot on this blog, probably often about things that shouldn't be joked about. However, according to our research we have never seen a rendition of Lady Liberty as a hipster. So for now, the Internet is a safe haven from hipster defacing Lady Liberty. That's enough cheer to last a lifetime.

Norv Turner may be a zombie

At 8-8, another missed playoffs and general frustration with the consistent underperforming it was obvious that Norv Turner was toast at the end of the season. However, Chargers president Dean Spanos has retained the services of old Norv for at least another year. You simply just cannot kill Norv Turner leaving us with only a few scenarios.

First, Spanos can't fire Norv Turner because Norv has got something on him. Obviously Norv Turner has figured out that Spanos has gotten tied up with the resurgent Philadelphia Greek Mob. While the mob was big in the 1980's it has recently been pretty dormant. Extortion in Greece had been cornered by the government already, but new markets are opening up with all the money flooding into Greece. This may not be the most likely scenario, but it is still possible.

Second, Norv Turner can't be terminated because he has already been fired and simply refuses to go. Maybe Dean Spanos called Norv into the office last week and said you're fired. Norv the replied with, "ok, but I'm not leaving". What could Dean have done then? The shock of being told that his firing of Norv was a failure and caused Dean to announce the exact opposite that Norv would be sticking around for at least another year. This is more likely than the Philadelphia Greek Mob connection.

Third and most probably, Norv Turner can't be killed because he's already undead. Norv is a zombie hell bent on mediocrity. He lays in waiting for the first few weeks of the season allowing himself to be battered into a cognitively gelatinous state and then feasts on flesh in December and January. This scary scenario makes the most sense. You heard it here first. Norv Turner is a zombie.

Zombie Parasite is evolving towards being able to take over humans...

The Zombie parasite has struck again, this time in honeybees. It's called the Apocephalus borealis for those who are looking for specifics.

There is this fly that exists that lays its eggs inside other creatures that cause that creature to kill itself so that the larva of the fly can feast and grow into maturity. So here is how they do it.

1) The fly will lay its eggs in the abdomen of the bee. Maybe it's hiding in a flower, maybe it's hiding on the ground, but where ever it is the mama fly injects the bee with its eggs.

2) The eggs take over the bees body causing it to leave the safety of the hive and fly in a zombified, undead flight towards a light. Don't go into the light!

3) There the eggs would hatch into larva and feast on the zombified bee.

But sometimes the bee wouldn't die right away. Until the larva were hatched the bee would simply walk around in circles, aimlessly and listlessly. The fear now is that if the Apocephalus borealis were to become sophisticated enough to attack larger prey, say a human being that the zombie apocalypse could truly be upon us.

Zombie Restaurants

The restaurant business has hit quite a slump recently. Before the recession people ate out or ordered takeout an average of 208 times. Now, they average only 195 times a year. On an unrelated note, obesity is still a large scale problem in the United States.

However egregious eating out 208 times or even 195 times a year is, it does mark a significant shift in consumer behavior and thus a major dip into restauranteurs' pocketbooks. Chains like Chevy's, Sbarro, Perkins and a personal favorite, Friendly's have filed chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. But these undead joints are now being referred to zombie restaurants because they simply will not die. And while they refuse to die they continue to eat the flesh of non-franchise, non-chain mid priced restaurants. These zombies are literally devouring the competition.

As scary as this may be for aspiring restauranteurs, the term zombie restaurant sent my heart into defibrillation. I imagined something akin to a Big Boys where your waiter looks like exhibit x (above) hoping to serve you a Turkey Club Melt with some sort of garnish that renders you paralyzed so that you could be eaten alive. It's enough to make me weep like a little boy who has had his schnitzel stolen by some bullies.

Beware of zombie restaurants and support your local diner. Whatever you do don't go to Bennigan's. Bennigan's was totally dead and now they're on their way back. These guys are even more dangerous than zombies. They're freaking vampires.

Soviet Zombies

I once saw a Simpsons episode where the Soviet Union returns with Lenin popping out of his glass encased public interment saying, "must crush capitalism". The episode aired in 1998. It appears though that the Simpsons seem to be some kind of prophetic oracle as Soviets are back, albeit in a morphed zombified form.

Recently there was a furor over rigged elections in Moscow over rigged elections. Vladimir Putin had decided to come back and be President again. While he lacks the human rights abuses pedigree of Stalin he seems to understand the formula. Parade some ordinary Russians out to call him grand, put on a show of stabilizing strength and most importantly, stir up the idea that Russia is isolated and surrounded by enemies all over. Thus, the Soviets return, minus their full collectivism ideology and with a new edge of cynicism. Just as zombies lack a functioning brain they are in search of brains for consumption, so too are these Neo-Soviets in their lack of a conviction of collectivism aiming at the restoration of the destructive power trappings of the Soviet era.

The return to communism era collectivism is most certainly not the answer to what ails Russia at the moment. Even Putin states that while "One who does not regret the passing of the Soviet Union has no heart; one who wants to bring it back has no brain" (The Economist, 2011 December 10). While Putin may not wish to bring back the Soviet collectivism and destroy the power he has over the oligarchs and by extension, the population, he has sought to recapture the people's imagination and awe. He has begun to tap Stalinist orations claiming truth and victory for the country. This represents a dangerous trend.

The Soviet Union was dangerous because it was powerful and idealistic. However, because of its idealism they chose not to use their power in a self-destructive manner. Hence, a cold war. However, since much of Russia lacks this strong sense of idealism a return to Soviet power stances could prove disastrous. Already there seems to be signs of an escalation in rhetoric coming out of Russia towards the West and echoed back. Russia's creation of the new Satan missile and the American bases aimed at curbing a Nuclear Iran could prove to be a throwback to some good old fashioned cold war arms escalation.

While this is a potentially hazardous situation for many, the sight of protestors in Revolutionary Square on December 10th shows that the full crack down has not yet been implemented. While there were over a thousand arrests it was not as an egregious display of force as many in the Arab Spring have faced. Optimistically, Putin could annul the elections and host fair and free ones. Realistically, this won't happen. But, there isn't a full zombification in Russia and thus, a zombie apocalypse has not been brought to full force. Yet.